kick-butt humor

Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan

2011-12-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

SOUTH STREET SEAPORT — Thousands of drunken Santas terrorized Lower Manhattan when they flooded into the neighborhood for SantaCon earlier this month, openly flouting public drinking and urination laws, locals say.

Angry residents attended Community Board 1's Monday night meeting to complain about the latest incarnation of the annual pub crawl, whose participants have been allowed to grow more rowdy every year, they say.

"There was public urination, people vomiting all over the place, open containers and no police," said John Fratta, chairman of the Seaport/Civic Center Committee which plans to send an angry missive to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and the 1st Precinct complaining about the lack of enforcement during SantaCon.
The committee said that the NYPD devoted more resources to Occupy Wall Street than to SantaCon, and asked police for a better response at the neighborhood's next expected pub-crawl on St. Patrick's Day.

"The mayor put so much power on Occupy Wall Street, he had Downtown under lock and key — but he forgot about Santa," said Ann DeFalco, a member of Community Board 1's Seaport/Civic Center Committee, at a meeting Monday night.

Residents said they saw unruly Santas buying six-packs of bottled beer on Fulton Street, then standing in the middle of the street drinking them and shattering the empty glass bottles on the ground.

The mayor's office referred questions Tuesday morning to the NYPD. The NYPD did not return requests for comment

Read more: http://www.dnainfo.com/20111220/downtown/drunken-santas-terrorized-lower-manhattan-during-santacon-locals-say#ixzz1hGpKUbzU

No birds allowed!

2011-06-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

la imigracion illegal no es una problema muy seria

2011-06-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

oops ... where can we find a spare tire?

2011-06-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Close the Gate!

2011-06-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

2011-03-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my dad kept staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

A Cup of Tea

2011-02-13T12:13:00.001-08:00

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

I like to move it, move it, MOVE IT!

2011-01-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

Tequila for medicinal purposes

2011-01-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

DON'T TAKE LIFE SO SERIOUSLY -- DANCE!

2011-01-28T13:42:00.001-08:00

An hour of Salsa or Mergengue beats the hell out of an hour on the treadmill ....

The Woodpecker might have to go!

2011-01-28T13:40:00.001-08:00

Hollywood Squares Q & A

2010-11-25T05:41:00.000-08:00

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Questions and Answers

2010-11-24T07:31:00.000-08:00

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. P If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Why Parents Drink

2010-11-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card That's in my desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

What if Facebook had existed hundreds of years ago?

2010-10-02T14:47:00.001-07:00

EVER HAD ONE OF THESE DAYS??

2010-09-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

There was a guy sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,trouble-making redneck steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps
it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the guy burst into
tears.
"Come on, Bubba," the redneck says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," the guy tells him. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to work again and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in my buddy's truck when he took me home. I found my wife in bed with the county animal control officer and they threw me out of the house.."

"So I get a ride to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop 7 capsules of horse tranquilizer in it that I stole from the animal control officer's truck and was sitting here watching them dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

2010-09-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

2010-09-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Going a little too far ...

2010-09-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

this is just plain wrong ...

Women's room

2010-09-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

So thats what they do in there ....

"Git'er done"

2010-07-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

"Well done is better than well said."

B.F. on "hangin"

2010-07-04T12:16:00.001-07:00

We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.

Ben Franklin on stupidity

2010-07-04T12:14:00.001-07:00

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

British Survey

2010-06-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

The U.S. is not the only one trying to work through immigration issues:

Man's penis freed from metal pipe with industrial grinder :(

2010-05-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

A man who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder, after doctors could not free his genitals from their metal trap.

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.

The man, thought to be aged around 40, did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis, after he presented himself at the hospital's Accident & Emergency department on Tuesday morning. He was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious'.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: 'It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.

'It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again.'

Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: 'I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence

Holy Email

2010-05-18T05:45:00.001-07:00

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on.
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going...
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.

Grandma's boyfriend

2010-05-13T07:43:00.001-07:00

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Pithy one-liners

2010-05-02T05:51:00.001-07:00

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

summit meeting

2010-04-28T19:47:00.001-07:00

‘Not Everyone’s Happy’
Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fox News said it was a “summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.”

They could be very angry

2010-04-28T19:37:00.001-07:00

Leno: ‘They Could Be Very Angry’
Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona

Leno on pocket change

2010-04-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

Leno: ‘One Embarrassing Moment’
Monologue | Monday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

pithy one-liners

2010-04-25T17:08:00.001-07:00

How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

When is a good time to use to use the "F" word?

2010-04-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Teenagers of the world unite and break loose from your chains!

2010-04-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

2010-04-10T19:46:00.001-07:00

• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it!

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

IS that a gun in your pocket?

2010-04-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

Churck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun ....

Church Norris paper problem

2010-04-08T21:33:00.001-07:00

They once made a "chuck norris" toilet paper but there was a problem -- it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris is da man!

2010-04-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass -- at night.

Chuck Norris

2010-04-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Some people wear Superman pajamas? Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

When to use the "F" -bomb ....

2010-03-26T06:22:00.001-07:00

2010-03-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,

My friend Billy Long just posted some hilarious “Billy Longisms” on his blog:

OUT OF THE BOX

Here is just one example: "One fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating."
Enjoy,

JH

‘Two Brain Trusts’

2010-03-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

Monologue | Monday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care

Chuck Norris turns 70

2010-03-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

"Chuck Norris is so fast he can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. "

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

2010-03-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Pithy one-liners

2010-02-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

On the other hand, you have different fingers

aging gracefully

2010-02-17T06:29:00.000-08:00

U2 Concert

2010-02-10T06:01:00.001-08:00

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

From the church bulletin

2010-02-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------------------

Pithy one-liners

2010-02-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Cat in the ceiling fan

2010-02-08T13:26:00.001-08:00

chatty monk

2010-02-07T05:43:00.000-08:00

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Power Tools for men - blower

2010-02-07T05:39:00.000-08:00

When is a good time to use the "F" word?

2010-02-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

Why Boys need moms

2010-02-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

Pithy one-liners

2010-02-06T07:50:00.001-08:00

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Tools for men - Power Drill

2010-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

Pithy one-liners

2010-01-28T06:23:00.000-08:00

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why boys need moms!

2010-01-26T06:34:00.001-08:00

How the fight started

2010-01-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started...

Pithy one-liners

2010-01-25T15:35:00.001-08:00

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

When to use the "F" word ....

2010-01-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

Obama’s Christmas Card’

2010-01-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

Monologue | Aired Friday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: Did you see President Obama’s Christmas card? Neither did I, he never sent me one. But some people are angry that it doesn’t contain the word “Christmas.” But I think the message is there. The card shows three wise men asking for bailout money. It’s right there. You can see it.

‘A Number of Explanations’

2010-01-21T21:01:00.001-08:00

Monologue | Wednesday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party.

Why boys need moms!

2010-01-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

From the church bulletin

2010-01-21T09:02:00.001-08:00

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

pithy one-liners

2010-01-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

How the fight started...

2010-01-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

******************************************

When is it ok to use the "F" word?

2010-01-20T09:39:00.001-08:00

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

2010-01-19T14:08:00.001-08:00

Warning: older men scam alert!

2010-01-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the Mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as we head to the Home Improvement Centers.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one really caught me by surprise.

Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, forward this on and tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco

From the Church Bulletin

2010-01-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------------------

'Jesus is watching you.'

2010-01-09T05:19:00.000-08:00

A Burgler broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables
when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook
his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world
are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus...!'

From the Church Bulletin

2010-01-06T06:09:00.001-08:00

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

How the fight started

2010-01-06T06:08:00.001-08:00

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

Pithy one-liners

2010-01-06T06:05:00.001-08:00

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Why boys need moms

2010-01-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

(note: that was me at age 11--actually, that is still me at age 58!)

How the fight started ...

2010-01-01T05:54:00.000-08:00

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

from the church bulletin

2010-01-01T05:46:00.001-08:00

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Pithy one-liners

2010-01-01T05:40:00.001-08:00

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Why boys need moms

2009-12-28T06:12:00.000-08:00

The End is Near

2009-12-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe DA sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Hurricane season is finally over!

2009-12-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

...but....

... we knew it was too good to be true, right?

Why boys need moms....

2009-12-10T05:52:00.001-08:00

Pithy one-liners

2009-12-10T05:50:00.001-08:00

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

From the Church Bulletin

2009-12-10T05:49:00.001-08:00

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------

How the fight started....

2009-12-10T05:46:00.001-08:00

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

pithy one liners

2009-12-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

From the Church Bulletin

2009-12-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
-------------------------

how the fight started ...

2009-12-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

2009-12-02T06:59:00.001-08:00

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop 'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

So, There ya Gogh!

Redneck Christmas Lights

2009-11-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

Pithy one-liners

2009-11-30T14:05:00.001-08:00

A day without sunshine is like night.

Lets go to church

2009-11-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

Freakin big gun

2009-11-27T21:48:00.000-08:00

How the fight started ....

2009-11-22T18:21:00.001-08:00

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

Church Bulletin

2009-11-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
--------------------------

in the church bulletin ...

2009-11-21T05:58:00.000-08:00

--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

How the fight started ...

2009-11-21T05:55:00.000-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

worship for dummies

2009-10-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

One of the few benefits of global climate change

2009-10-24T07:09:00.000-07:00