pithy one liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

From the Church Bulletin

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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how the fight started ...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

Pithy one liners

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop 'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

So, There ya Gogh!

Redneck Christmas Lights

Pithy one-liners

A day without sunshine is like night.

Lets go to church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

Freakin big gun

How the fight started ....

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

Church Bulletin

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
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in the church bulletin ...

--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

How the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

worship for dummies

One of the few benefits of global climate change

early PDA's ....

The "Beta" version of the PalmPilot

Its the only way they could get Chester to sit on the front row.

cukoo clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT ', he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

why boys need moms

healthy skepiticism

salt and light? or body oder?

Praying for LeRoy during Prison Ministry

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
________________________________________

Why boys need mothers ...

Email in Hell

I wonder if they have wi-fi in hell?

Craig Ferguson figures out why everything sucks

A good deal on a talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Bassett Hound sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Bassett Hound looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff......

Why boys need mothers

Stem "Cell" Research

Muffin talk

There were two muffins in the oven, and one said to the other, "Good Lord! it is HOT in here!"

The other muffin said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

The Ladies Room

the sign on the Ladies Room door said "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"

Clinton's next mission

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS:

Bill Clinton is back in America after going to North Korea and freeing two journalists. To be fair, it wasn’t difficult for Bill. He’s used to sneaking women out of government buildings.


They landed in L.A. this morning. And it is quite a contrast between North Korea and L.A. One’s a cruel place, filled with soulless people who are despised by most Americans. And of course, the other one is North Korea.

Now that he’s freed the journalists, Bill Clinton’s next mission is get Paula Abdul back on “American Idol.”

The White House made it clear that, although Bill Clinton met with a world leader, he in no way speaks for the President of the United States. It’s the same disclaimer they use when Joe Biden travels.

Accidental Suicide

Don't start something you can't finish; AND look before you leap.

Why boys need moms #2

Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks

Sally, a contestant on a game show, had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was:

Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

bat man

a bit of brand confusion ...

Why boys need mothers 1

DUDE! How can you not go for it!

‘Shows How Little I Know’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.

Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a Republican at this point? I think so.

There were actually two fundraisers last night — a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that’s what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there’s always an A-list and a B-list.

In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone.

Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden’s teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that’s when you know you’re talking to too much — when even Mother Nature goes, “Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.”

The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union.

Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings.

Jaegerbombs and Sarah Palin

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, “Keep it down over there!”

In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, “I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.”

To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama’s going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs.

President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: “What’s your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?”

Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.

Youth culture = imbecility; Craig Ferguson

Last year I took a research seminar on the history of children and childhood with Dr. Friedman. It was actuall quite good.

below is a bit of wisdom from late-night host Craig Ferguson ... he is actually right on the money. Enjoy!

abuse of authority, race and class.

my apologies if this offends anyone, but I think this lady has style, and that she has a point. She is witty and funny, and is addressing issues of power as well as class and race. She is what Antonio Gramsci would call an "organic intellectual." I want to give her a hearing on this format. I got this off the CNN website.