Tuesday, September 15, 2015

It was Rev Boonelevel's first time on an airplane. As the 4-engine prop plane took off, the pilot spoke over the intercom saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are expecting good weather and should arrive at our destination in 3 hours."
A few minutes into the flight, there was a big boom, after which the pilot announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we just lost an engine. But don't worry. We can fly this plane with the other 3 engines. But the flight will now take about three and a half hours."
There soon came another "boom." Following which, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we just lost a second engine. But don't worry. I can fly this plane with the remaining two engines. However, the flight will now take us 4 hours to get to our destination.
Soon the third engine blew. The pilot again calmed the passengers. "We have lost the third engine. But please do not worry. I can fly this plane with the one remaining engine. But the flight will take four and a half hours."
Rev Boonelevel then turned to the passenger beside him and said, "Good grief! If this keeps up, we're going to lose that last engine, and we'll be up here all day!"

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Earl and Eunice Visit the Hospital

        Earl and Eunice drove up to the hospital to visit the sick. Their appearance was that of the stereotypical elderly farm couple of the rural south. Earl wore blue overalls pressed and clean but faded somewhat in the seat because of time spent sitting on his tractor.  He had a farmer's tan. His face, neck, forearms, and hands were dark brown and rough from exposure, while his legs, torso, and bald spot were as white as cotton and smooth as a baby.  Earl had that body shape that seems peculiar to "redneck" culture. He was really thin, even skinny, everywhere except his belly. Looking at him from the back as he walked away, you would think him to be a very thin man. But this impression changed drastically as he turned to give you a side view.  Between his chest and his belt was the only fat thing on his body: A 45-inch belly that over-hung and overshadowed a very small 32 inch waist. Most people's measurements are given in threes, as in Hollywood's 36-24-36, referring to chest, waist, and hips; but Earl's belly projecting out so far above his waist made it necessary to use four numbers in describing him. His measurements were 33-45-32-32. This is a strange phenomenon when a man's stomach balloons way out over and past the belt-line below it. Thus, in spite of the portly "barrel" above his belt, he was still able to boast of a youthful, slim, and trim 32” waistline. Over the last three decades nothing on his body had grown, except his stomach above his waist.
        Eunice, on the other hand, had gained her weight uniformly. She was quite hefty now, but a decent looking woman at 60. She wore her hair up in a bun and covered her ample figure with long dresses that reached half-way between her knees and ankles. She tried to fix up and look pretty, but did not want to overdo it. She often said, "I do want to look pretty; but I don't want to be a stumbling-block to cause men to lust."        
        After entering the hospital Earl waited in the crowded lobby while Eunice went to the ladies room.  When Earl saw her coming out of the restroom, he turned and led the way on down the hall to the elevator while she followed behind. Neither of them noticed that she had pulled her bloomers up over the back of her dress so that the dress was tucked into the elastic waistline of her pantyhose; and there was a long strip of toilet paper hanging out and trailing behind her like a long white tail. Everything looked normal in front, while in the rear she was "mooning" the growing crowd which gathered behind her in the hallway. A number of smiling, giggling people followed them to the elevator. Earl walked onto the elevator with Eunice right behind him. As the elevator door closed behind them they could hear the roar and guffaws of laughter from people who had out of courtesy restrained themselves until Eunice dissappeared behind the closing elevator door. 
       Earl stepped to the rear of the elevator and turned around facing the front. Eunice walked in and turned around facing the door with Earl directly behind her. He stood there staring in disbelief for a moment as he glanced down and "saw the show". 
       Eunice was trying to press the button for the correct floor. "Earl, you forgot to mash the button! You ort to have mashed the button for our floor."  Reaching for the button she inadvertently pressed the emergency bell instead of the floor number. "Mercy sakes!" she shouted. "I have rung the elevator bell! I am so embarrassed. I don't like to attract attention to myself. Everybody will be staring at us when we get off this thing."
        Earl then very calmly and in monotone informed her of her predicament. "That bell isn't your biggest problem right now, Eunice. But you may be right about attracting attention to yourself. And people staring at you when you get off won't be half as bad as why they was staring at you when you got on this thing."
        "What are you talking about, Earl?" she replied as she pressed the third-floor button.
        "The back of your frock is caught in your drawers and you are 'taking everybody's picture'; and you've got toilet paper hanging out the back there."
        "Mercy sakes alive in heaven!" she cried out as she reached around to discover such manifest immodesty.  She immediately began straightening out the dress. "Earl, we walked in here through a crowded hallway with a dozen people right behind us. No wonder they was all laughing when the door shut! A dozen people or more have done seen me now.  And on top of all that, I just rung that emergency bell! Earl, people are going to think you rung that bell for someone to rescue you from this crazy stripper-women who got on the elevator with you."  Her reaction was an internal physiological tug of war as her system was simultaneously turning red with embarrassment and pale with shock. She was covered with both red and white splotches. "It's just awful, Earl. No telling how many men was lusting after me out there.  It's awful. It's just awful. I'll never again be able to show my face in public!"
        "Why not?" Earl answered, "You've just shown about everything else in public. And besides, they weren’t lusting, they were laughing."
        "Well, either way it's awful and embarrassing, Earl.  I ain't leaving this hospital until my audience has left. I can't face any of them again."
        "Well, you didn't exactly face them to start with, Eunice. Besides, we should go on in and visit with Beulah for a while. You ain't seen her since she got sick. That way things will be settled down by the time we leave."
        They slipped out the elevator and sneaked on down to Beulah's room with Eunice taking the lead and Earl right behind acting as rear guard. They soon entered Beulah's room.
        "Howdy, Beulah. Me and Earl have come to see you. Are you up for company?" Beulah smiled and welcomed them in. "Come on in and sit down. I'm always glad to have visitors. Garland hasn't been up to see me all day and I'm getting lonely."
        Earl knew that a man could potentially embarrass himself by inquiring into the nature of a woman's illness, but Eunice, being a lady herself, went straight to the point. "What's wrong with you, Beulah? What you in here for?"
        "I have a few things the matter with me," Beulah answered. "When they brought me to the emergency room the other night, I thought at first that they might put me in the contentious care unit."
        "It's not contentious care, Beulah," Eunice interrupted her, "It's called the “icy unit.” I think they call it that because it is so cold in there. Must be to slow them germs down to a crawl while they kill them."
        "Well, whatever it is, they didn't send me there. They just put me in one of them regular emergency room rooms and ran some tests. They finally decided that my fever was coming from an infection in my influflial tubes. But that's nothing to worry about; I'll over it pretty quick. So y'all don't have to worry about me. But I do think you all ort to go to the next floor up and visit Thurston Gore. He's had more problems than any one man ort to have. He had surgery on his heart and they had to put in a spacemaker. They say he will over it just fine."
        About that time Eulla Fellons burst into the room. "Goodness! Children, have y'all heard the news about the lady down downstairs in the lobby. They say she went walking down the hall with the back of her dress caught in her panty hose. From what I hear, it was an awful sight!"
        "What do you mean "awful"? Eunice asked, her pride hurting just a little. "I would think that such a sight would be a great temptation to the average man."
        "No!" Eulla continued. "There wasn't any sin involved since the sight was said to be too ugly. No! It wasn't temptation. It was more like entertainment."  
        "It was the toliet paper!" Eunice thought to herself. "God made a way for those men to escape temptation by letting that strip of toilet paper hang there and distract them. They were so busy laughing at the toilet paper that they forgot to be lured by the temptations of sin."            

Friday, April 24, 2015

belief in hell

Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Saturday, January 24, 2015

doggone it ...

Dogs are hyper-vigilant

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

the blog post from hell ....

This would be a monotonous blog journal

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Monday, December 29, 2014

time to partaaay

What is your New Year's Resolution?

See you in Miami next year!

Not going to play that game; I will either relax with a good book and cigar, or I will go over and hang out with a bunch of strangers at Black Point Marina ....

Its a Chrisopher Walken Christmas!

Temp just dropped below the freezing point: time to get out of Dodge and head south ASAP!

a little bit of Christmas scuttlebutt

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Trees Anonymous

The "12 Steps" of Christmas 

"On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love said to me ..."

Starbucks Christmas humor

On the first day of Christmas .....

Frosty sells his body on the streets

Monday, November 24, 2014

Sunday, March 9, 2014

People Who Failed So Spectacularly They Almost Won

Have you just made a big mistake? It could be worse

Thursday, December 5, 2013

“So, do you speak Hindu?

Yup, fluently. And I can say a couple of things in Muslim and Christian too.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Having a good time

Baptazia - Super Sunday - Master x / Rhymes & Noisia - 1 of 3


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Best Voicemail Ever Gives Hilarious Play-by-Play of Car Accident


Best Voicemail Ever Gives Hilarious Play-by-Play of Car Accident

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Friday, October 18, 2013

This about sums it up

But thank God I had a wonderful committee, who really went to bat for me and became personal friends along the way.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

You think English is easy??

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn't ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

LOOKOUT! Europe is getting restless ....




The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more
escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Europe is getting restless .....



Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The Europeans are getting restless .....



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last ... (drumroll):

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,                       
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
 practicing law somewhere.  

stupid moments in the courtroom


ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid.

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.


All of your responses MUST be oral


ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around
 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.

Coutroom humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.

 myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever done voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Robot love ... and dog and cat noises ...

Robot Programmed to Fall in Love with a Girl Goes too Far

Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love. Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst.
“Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.”

“Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.
Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. It doesn’t help that Kenji uses only pre-recorded dog and cat noises to communicate and is able to vocalize his love through a 20 watt speaker in his chest.

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?