Garfield hates mondays

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I'm sleepy .....

my hurricane preps....

hurricane season officially begins on May 1st in Miami ...

"God will provide"

 A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

What is a truely Jewish dilemma?

When someone offers you a "free" ham ....

~ Courtesy of Fred Lessans

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) 

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich. 
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
- - Curt, age 7 

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin , age 10

Idiocracy and Einstein

witticisms

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake relationships.
4. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
6. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
7. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
9. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) 

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

 
Both don't want any more kids. 


-- Lori, age 8

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

 (written by kids)

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

Number 1:
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
-- Alan, age 10 

This leaves me rolling on the floor ...

Snow White and the Seven Samurai

The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? 

Pinky: I think so, Brain, but then it'd be Snow White and the Seven Samurai

Houston, we have a BIG problem

A sense of humor

It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle 

~ Ogdan Nash

Dasher and Dancer, the Star Bucks

The Brain: We're going to a place where the sun never sets, the size of your wallet matters, and actors and actresses slave all day. 

Pinky: We're going to Denny's? 

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Kevin Costner

The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Pinky: I think so Brain, but... Kevin Costner with an English accent? I dunno.

Pinky and the Brain

The Brain: This is the earth. And this is Pinky. 
You can tell the difference quite easily. 
One is a lump of inert matter hurtling blindly through the void. 
The other... is the earth. 

Pinky and the Brain -- "sad meals"

The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

 Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them "sad meals" no one would buy them.

  Pinky and the Brain

Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris adds milk to Rice Krispies, there's no Snap Crackle & Pop. They shut the fuck up.

out of vodka! oh no!

Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan

SOUTH STREET SEAPORT — Thousands of drunken Santas terrorized Lower Manhattan when they flooded into the neighborhood for SantaCon earlier this month, openly flouting public drinking and urination laws, locals say.

Angry residents attended Community Board 1's Monday night meeting to complain about the latest incarnation of the annual pub crawl, whose participants have been allowed to grow more rowdy every year, they say.

"There was public urination, people vomiting all over the place, open containers and no police," said John Fratta, chairman of the Seaport/Civic Center Committee which plans to send an angry missive to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and the 1st Precinct complaining about the lack of enforcement during SantaCon.
The committee said that the NYPD devoted more resources to Occupy Wall Street than to SantaCon, and asked police for a better response at the neighborhood's next expected pub-crawl on St. Patrick's Day.

"The mayor put so much power on Occupy Wall Street, he had Downtown under lock and key — but he forgot about Santa," said Ann DeFalco, a member of Community Board 1's Seaport/Civic Center Committee, at a meeting Monday night.

Residents said they saw unruly Santas buying six-packs of bottled beer on Fulton Street, then standing in the middle of the street drinking them and shattering the empty glass bottles on the ground.

The mayor's office referred questions Tuesday morning to the NYPD. The NYPD did not return requests for comment


Read more: http://www.dnainfo.com/20111220/downtown/drunken-santas-terrorized-lower-manhattan-during-santacon-locals-say#ixzz1hGpKUbzU

No birds allowed!

la imigracion illegal no es una problema muy seria

oops ... where can we find a spare tire?

Close the Gate!

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my dad kept staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

A Cup of Tea

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

I like to move it, move it, MOVE IT!

Tequila for medicinal purposes