Monday, December 28, 2009

Friday, December 25, 2009

The End is Near

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe DA sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hurricane season is finally over!

...but....



... we knew it was too good to be true, right?

Why boys need moms....

Pithy one-liners

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

From the Church Bulletin

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------

How the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

Saturday, December 5, 2009

pithy one liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

From the Church Bulletin

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
-------------------------

how the fight started ...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop 'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

So, There ya Gogh!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Lets go to church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

Friday, November 27, 2009

Sunday, November 22, 2009

How the fight started ....

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

Church Bulletin

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
--------------------------

Saturday, November 21, 2009

in the church bulletin ...

--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

How the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

Monday, October 19, 2009

early PDA's ....

The "Beta" version of the PalmPilot

Monday, October 12, 2009

Its the only way they could get Chester to sit on the front row.

Monday, October 5, 2009

cukoo clock


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT ', he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A good deal on a talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Bassett Hound sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Bassett Hound looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff......

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Muffin talk

There were two muffins in the oven, and one said to the other, "Good Lord! it is HOT in here!"

The other muffin said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

The Ladies Room

the sign on the Ladies Room door said "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"

Friday, August 7, 2009

Clinton's next mission

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS:

Bill Clinton is back in America after going to North Korea and freeing two journalists. To be fair, it wasn’t difficult for Bill. He’s used to sneaking women out of government buildings.


They landed in L.A. this morning. And it is quite a contrast between North Korea and L.A. One’s a cruel place, filled with soulless people who are despised by most Americans. And of course, the other one is North Korea.

Now that he’s freed the journalists, Bill Clinton’s next mission is get Paula Abdul back on “American Idol.”

The White House made it clear that, although Bill Clinton met with a world leader, he in no way speaks for the President of the United States. It’s the same disclaimer they use when Joe Biden travels.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Accidental Suicide

Don't start something you can't finish; AND look before you leap.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks

Sally, a contestant on a game show, had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was:

Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

bat man

a bit of brand confusion ...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Why boys need mothers 1

DUDE! How can you not go for it!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

‘Shows How Little I Know’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.

Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a Republican at this point? I think so.

There were actually two fundraisers last night — a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that’s what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there’s always an A-list and a B-list.

In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone.

Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden’s teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that’s when you know you’re talking to too much — when even Mother Nature goes, “Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.”

The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union.

Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings.

Jaegerbombs and Sarah Palin

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, “Keep it down over there!”

In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, “I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.”

To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama’s going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs.

President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: “What’s your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?”

Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Youth culture = imbecility; Craig Ferguson

Last year I took a research seminar on the history of children and childhood with Dr. Friedman. It was actuall quite good.

below is a bit of wisdom from late-night host Craig Ferguson ... he is actually right on the money. Enjoy!

Friday, July 24, 2009

abuse of authority, race and class.

my apologies if this offends anyone, but I think this lady has style, and that she has a point. She is witty and funny, and is addressing issues of power as well as class and race. She is what Antonio Gramsci would call an "organic intellectual." I want to give her a hearing on this format. I got this off the CNN website.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

How do country Italians tell time?



just lift and gently squeeze the donkey's balls... it works every time!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Italian Tomato Garden

An Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The father wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 o‘clock the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the father received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I love you, Vinnie

Friday, July 3, 2009

Breasts



In memory of anyone you know that has
Been struck down by cancer or is still living with it.
A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting another Candle

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Redneck Houseboating

(my future retirement :-)



♪Way down upon the Swanee river, Far, far away,
theres where my heart is turning ever,
theres where the old folks stay. ♫

Father of many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#1 Crime and Punishment

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Submitted by Braeden Silvermist

Monday, June 22, 2009

#2 Conflict


A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Submitted by Nancy Gomes

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Grandpa


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Monday, June 8, 2009

#3 - New Lease on Life ... oops!


In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Submitted by Hank Chawansky

Sunday, June 7, 2009

#4 - Vow of Silence

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Submitted by Alan Lynch

Thursday, June 4, 2009

#5 - Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Submitted by Harry Nelson

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

#6 - Making Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Submitted by Gerald Doka

Monday, June 1, 2009

#7 Power of Perception

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."

Submitted by Debby Carter

#8 Ghostly Music


A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker.
"It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."

Submitted by Jeremy Hone

Friday, May 29, 2009

#9 A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Friday, May 22, 2009

Coffee machine

Funiest jokes #10 - A Dog's Life

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."



Submitted by L. B. Weinstein (RD June 2009)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Not a good sign ....


When you walk out the door in the morning and see this......

Just go back in the house,
Pour another cup of coffee,
And stay there.

It probably isn't going to be a good day....

Urgent CDC ALERT..............

Please read as this is very important to your health at multiple levels!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Some Alternative Names for Swine Flu:

(Side note: Who is the guy (or girl) who is visiting my site from Los Angeles? Introduce yourself with a comment ... send me some jokes!)

Sowmenella
Baconic Plague
Aporkalypse
Hamthrax
Pigpox
Epigdemic
Spamthrax
Porkinson's
Hamdemic
SnOutbreak
Swineabifida
Hamaggeddon
Tuporkulosis
Mad Sow Disease
The Other White Flu
Smallporks

Friday, May 8, 2009

Leno on Edwards





Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC:
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on “Oprah.”
Well, tomorrow, John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on “Oprah.” How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on “Jerry Springer”?
They taped the show earlier in the week and they’ve been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, “Neither one of us is out the door.” But believe me. One of them is on the couch.
John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he’s now looking for a third America to hide out in.

And as if he doesn’t have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question. Why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?

The New Wives Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the Husbands store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.0

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

YESSS! I knew it!


To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria
."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Woman Chased By Bear and Hit by a Car!

...and after escaping death twice in 2 minutes, she gets dissed by this young commentator and future media mogul ...

I found this commentary on Youtube ... this is funny on so many levels...


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

why does the waitress get more than God?

A little old lady, a home intruder and a misunderstanding over Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture toyou.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White
House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How bad is the economy?


The Economy is South Florida is starting to bottom out -- good thing also, the cats are almost ready to give up while the homeless and the dogs are praying...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Redneck engagment

did you know?

Sneezes travel out of your mouth at over 100 miles an hour.

Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters in 1933.

The dot over the letter "I" is called a tittle.

The garbage disposal was originally called the "Electric Pig."

Ostriches can run up to 70 km/h (43 mph).

a little old lady and horse manure on the carpet

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' He said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..... Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning

Monday, April 6, 2009

Americans are losing their religion


Jay Leno on Monday night.

"You know I saw a new survey that said Americans are losing their religion. I tell ya it is bad when you not only lose your job, but you don’t even have a prayer."

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?