Saturday, June 30, 2007

theories about women...

There´s two theories about arguin´ with a woman, neither one works.

What I have learned...

Since I arrived in my mid-fifties, I have acquired a whole new view of life. One of the pearls of wisdom I have learned is this wise saying:

"Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom."

Thursday, June 28, 2007

the rules of life...

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Boonelevel's Flat Top haircut

Throughout elementary school and into junior high, LeRoy kept his hair cut in a crew-cut or butch. It was shaved very short to his head. This was the style for many of the boys of his age, and for the average boy it attracted relatively little attention. But LeRoy had a pointed head. The top of his head was not flat like most people. There was a ridge that ran down the middle of the top of his head. He would never have known it except that some girl on the way to school felt compelled to announce it to everyone. The girl's comment was no big deal to LeRoy. He ignored it because he tried not to care and mostly because he couldn't quite figure out what she meant by it. It was a change in hair styles during the following year that enlightened him.

All of the boys, as kids usually do, went with the latest trend. That year it was the flat-top. In this style the hair on top of the head is cut to a length of about one-quarter to three-quarters of an inch and with the help of some sort of wax was made to stand straight up. In this manner the head resembled a field in which all the crops were standing upright, stiff, and completely uniform with the bristled ends forming a flat plane across the top of the head. This worked fine for the average boy whose head was relatively flat on top, but LeRoy's pointed head complicated his "flat-top". Since the top of his head formed a ridge down the center of the top of his head, the hair on the sides of the top of his head was almost an inch long, becoming progessively shorter toward the center until he was completely bald along the center peak . It had to be cut bald in the center in order to be level with the hair on the outer edges of the top of his head. It was a lake of hair with a narrow island of bald head sticking up and running down the middle.

LeRoy was one of those people that nature simply did not equip physically nor mentally with the means nor desire to keep up with the latest style whatever it might be. Life's procession of "bandwagons" carrying the latest trends rarely made it into his world of limited experience; and when they did, he usually just watched them pass. He did not feel deprived. To the contrary, he stood by in his own inner contentment and satisfaction bordering on pride and waved good riddance to the passing conveyences of fashion and fad. LeRoy did not "miss the boat," he "drove his own wagon." He was a trend-setter for his world. When the other boys saw his bald spot, they all wanted one. Consequently, a number of boys shaved down the center of their own flat-tops. The difference was that their heads as a general rule were relatively flat on top. While LeRoy's bald spot stood out as a peak, that of the other boys, being forced unnaturally onto a level head, lay as a valley between taller rows of hair.

LeRoy did not follow the crowd, but he was glad for them to follow him. When it came to fashion and the latest trends LeRoy Boonelevel's motto was Exodus 23: 2: "You shall not follow a crowd to do evil." It's amazing that a man can be so level-headed in spiritual things while having such a pointed head in the natural.

hope for the future...

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.”
~Bill Cosby

A thief in Paris...

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such A crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

'Monsieur, That is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.'

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle To send this on to someone else--well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Pleasing people...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

members of Congress

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

Sharks and lawyers

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

a blonde's eyes...

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear...

How do you know....?

How do you know if your a red neck?You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Good whiskey...

Never follow good whiskey with water unless you're out of good wiskey.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Men are like fine wine...

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Have a bad toothache?

Have a bad toothache?

Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Angry Aceh residents disable tsunami warning system

BANDA ACEH, Indonesia (Reuters) - Angry residents in Indonesia's Aceh have disabled a tsunami warning system after a false alarm spread panic in a province still traumatized by the deadly 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, an official said Thursday.


Residents cut power to a siren on a tsunami warning tower in the Lhoknga area near the provincial capital Banda Aceh by smashing an electricity box, Syahnan Sobri, the head of the meteorology and geophysics agency in Aceh said.

A technical glitch prompted the siren to ring for about 30 minutes in Aceh Besar district Monday, sending residents rushing out of their homes in panic

Click here to read original article

If you have a bad cough...

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Wheelchair user taken on wild 50-mph ride

Click here to read the original news article

Chair becomes lodged on semitrailer's grille, travels 4 miles on highway


PAW PAW, Mich. - A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said.

The 21-year-old man, whose name was not released, was unharmed but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He had been secured to his wheelchair by a seat belt.

“The man spilled his soda pop, but he wasn’t upset,” said Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police.

Cowboy Wisdom

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

How to avoid hitting the snooze button

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you fromrolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Two Redneck’s went on Vacation

As they drove through Lusiana and approached the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

At the lunch counter, one redneck asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin...

(this one is dedicated to my good friend Dennis Coll, a true Irishman and a lover of all things Celtic)

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me... I've quit drinking!"

How to lower your blood pressure

For high blood pressure sufferers:

simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Moses, Jesus and an old Man on the golf course

Moses, Jesus and an old fellow with long white hair and beard went out to play golf. Moses teed off and hit the ball into the lake. He walked down to the lake, stretched out his gold club, parted the water, walked over to the golf ball and chipped up onto the green where it rolled up to within a foot of the hole.

Jesus walked up, teed off, and also hit the ball into the lake. He calmly walked down to the lake, walked on the water to the middle of the lake, reached his golf club down into the water and easily chipped his ball up onto the green where it rolled up next to Moses’ ball.

The white-haired man walked up to the tee, hit the ball, it sailed up into the sky past the green, bounced off of a sign, back into the lake, fell on a lily pad, was picked in the mouth of a frog. A hawk swept down from the sky and snatched up the frog with the ball in his mouth, and fly up into the sky, over the green, and as the Hawk squeezed the frog, the frog dropped the ball, which fell several hundred feet into a perfect hole in one.

Moses looked at Jesus and said “I hate playing golf with your dad!”

- Courtesy of Dan Todd.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

The Difference Between a Republican & a Democrat

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to ahomeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person hisbusiness card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave himdirections to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocketand got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave thehomeless person $5.

NOW do you understand the difference?

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

Friday, June 1, 2007

Florida immigration poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa"

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?