Thursday, October 16, 2008

Man, things are not looking good....

Aired Friday night on NBC: Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.
Man, things are not looking good. I opened the business section of the paper today. It said, “You Don’t Want To Know.” That was the headline.
Give you an idea how bad the American economy is — Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border.
President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.
No, President Bush announced that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market, but that was his second choice to fix the problem. First choice, invade Wall Street.
Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain ’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s economic plan, but nobody knows what it is yet.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Leno on the economic crisis

Aired Monday night on NBC: Hey, before we begin, I want to warn people in Nigeria who might be watching our show. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam.
As you know, the bailout was voted down, and people are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first, the smoke or the mirrors.
Today at CNBC, they said without a bailout, consumers wouldn’t be able to get credit cards at favorable rates. Oh, that takes some getting used to, huh? You mean they’ve been spoiling us with that low 30% interest?
And once again, you know, President Bush, God bless him, nice man, but I don’t think he understands the gravity of this situation. Like when someone told him WaMu went under, he said, “Well, that’s O.K, he’s a whale.”
This crisis has actually affected the way children play. Like when kids play Monopoly now, the dumbest kid is the banker.
I’ll give you an idea how bad the economy is. I wrote a $5 check over the weekend. The check was good, the bank bounced.
I’ll give you an idea of how bad the dollar is. Went to buy gold. They said, “You can only buy it with gold.”
In fact, the guy in the Rolls-Royce with the Grey Poupon had to switch to French’s mustard.

Letterman on Palin

Aired Friday night on CBS: Hi, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the program. I’m Dave Letterman, a pit bull with lipstick.”

Sarah Palin was at the U.N. yesterday, meeting all the world leaders. Actually, she is still learning who the world leaders are. For example, right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.
And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said: “Look, over there. That’s the President of Georgia.” And Sarah Palin said, “Wow, Jimmy Carter.”
And then Sarah Palin said, “Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifah.”
You know who else is in town at the U.N.? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and I believe this is his first visit to New York City since his 1970s affair with Barbara Walters.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

Winston Churchhill "unlikely contact"

Early in his career, Winston Churchhill left the Conservative Party to join the Liberals and grew a moustache, hoping to look older and more distinguished.
One day, a female constituent ran into Churchill on a London street and disdainfully remarked, "Mr. Churchill, I approve of neither your politics nor your moustache."
"Don't worry, Madam," Churchill replied, you are unlikely to come in contact with either."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Dogs and Cats

"Dogs and cats should always be brought together," said someone, "it broadens their minds so."
--C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1994, p. 233.

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?