Friday, February 29, 2008

"...start dating again!"

Aired Wednesday night on CBS: How about the Democratic debate last night –- how many folks saw the debate in Ohio? Well, you know, Hillary Clinton now is trailing Barack Obama and she’s very desperate. Have you noticed this? She’s starting to get desperate. Today, she accused Barack Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

But people are saying now that Hillary Clinton –- and I’ve noticed this, maybe you’ve noticed this -– has a new personality every day of the campaign. For example, today she’s Madam Lazonga, the carnival mind reader, Madame Lazonga.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign –- can you believe that? And she’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

Which candidates are Republicans afraid of?

Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had another Democratic debate last night. This time it was in Ohio. The big winner, of course, Fox’s “American Idol.”

In fact, they’re saying this is the biggest thing to happen in Cleveland since — ever, I guess.

No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Nader looks like a postal worker

Here’s some campaign excitement: Ralph Nader is running for President. You know, I’m like you, I think this really could be Ralph’s year.

I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. He looks like a guy you see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-plate states –- out-of-state plates. And Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn’t know whether to retire to start shooting.

Power outage in So. Florida

Jay Leno:

And a massive power outage hit south Florida today, leaving millions of people without electricity. A lot of people in Miami felt they were back in Cuba again.

I guess every Starbucks in the country closed today for three hours. Three hours without Starbucks. Luckily, the President signed a bill allowing us to tap into our strategic coffee reserves.

Why women live longer than men

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Conan O'Brian on Ralph Nader

Aired Monday night on NBC:
-- Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced that he’s running for President again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up.

Conan O'Brian on Castro

Aired Monday night on NBC:
- This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother,Raúl, who is 76. Afterwards, Castro said, “I wanted to give the kid a chance.”

Leno on Ralph Nader

Aired Monday night on NBC:
And in political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president! Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit, huh? In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan ? “It’s Me Again.” What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That’s the only one there.

Nader is going to be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raúl Nader, will then take over.

Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. There you go. Hey, congratulations!

Leno on Obama

Aired Monday night on NBC:
Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A plan for getting out ...

This just in ladies and gentlemen, Barak Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards!

Three women naked in the sauna





--- Courtesy of Clare

Monday, February 25, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To die in the rain. Alone.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Lean on me...


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

Cowboy wisdom

Never smack a man who's chewin' tabacco

`Stolen truck' taken by dog in Calif.

Fri Feb 22, 6:40 AM ET

AZUSA, Calif. - Doggone it, my truck's gone!

Police said Charles McCowan parked his pickup in front of a mini-mart Wednesday, leaving his 80-pound Boxer named Max in the passenger seat. When he came out, the truck and Max were gone.

McCowan called police, assuming the truck had been stolen. When officers arrived, they found the pickup across the street in a fast-food parking lot but had no idea how it got there.

In security video shown Thursday on KCAL-TV, the truck can be seen rolling backward out of the store lot and across the street, threading its way through traffic and out of view.

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Police said that after McCowan left the truck, Max knocked the vehicle out of gear and sent it rolling backward.

Both Max and the truck emerged without a scratch.

Click here

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I like that John McCain

Boy oh boy, did you read about John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Did you read about John McCain? Oh, well, according to the New York Times now, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me.

Beautiful blond young woman, and she is now in phase one, the woman is now in phase one of a Washington scandal: denial; phase two, of course, is the book deal; phase three, posing nude for Playboy.

I mean, think about it, John McCain and with a young blond, and this was interesting: out of force of habit, Hillary is standing by him.

I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: “Hello, is that – hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?” He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: “Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?”

But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they’re not taking this scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn’t involve an airport men’s room.

Dude, you know what I just heard?

Now that he’s the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He’s now in favor of water boarding, but only in very limited cases. Like if you’re an editor of The New York Times.

I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now. The New York Times alleging that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young, female lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since “Matlock” was canceled.

They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse!

John McCain said yesterday that he was disappointed with the story. His friend Rudy Giuliani was very upset by the story. You know who’s really angry? Mitt Romney. He said, “Why couldn’t this have happened three weeks ago?”

A lot of people are questioning the source of this New York Times story. It’s never good when a news article begins “Dude, guess what I just heard.”

Friday, February 22, 2008

Why women live longer than men

How about that John McCain?


How about that John McCain, though? What do you think of John McCain? I knew he could count on you. He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn’t he a little bit? He looks like the guy who has to always be told something is on his chin. He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned – you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he’s 72 years young. He looks like the guy who’s bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks like the guy who should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa.

More on Castro

Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. And true to his word, he always said he would quit being a dictator when it wasn’t fun anymore. I guess his heartlessness just wasn’t in it anymore!

And you can tell that Castro is starting to get old. Like now when he wears the fatigues he’s got the white belt and matching shoes to go with it.

Hillary could be history

Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Welcome to “The Tonight Show.” Happy Black History Month. Did you know this is Black History Month? If Barack Obama keeps winning, it looks like Hillary could be history.
I think the only way Hillary is going to get into the White House now is by using the tunnel that Bill dug to sneak out.
She lost 10 in a row. That’s not good. If she loses one more, she will be signed by the L.A. Clippers.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

What happened to the flea?

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Castro retires

Well, here’s some sad news coming from Havana, ladies and gentlemen: Fidel Castro has resigned. A lot of people thought it was because of his health, but, no, he’s resigning because he wants to spend more time with his beard.
But his retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball.
Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro.

McCain greeting at Walmart?

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Hey, how about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh –- doesn’t he look like the old guy at the barber shop? He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He kind of looks like the neighbor who says, “Oh, that dead tree is on your property,” one of those guys. He’s the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that’s what he looks like. He looks like a mall walker, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb, one of those guys. ~ Letterman

Me too!

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: I have a confession to make, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope this doesn’t case a pall over the proceedings, but for the last 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka.

Retire in Miami?

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. But the biggest surprise was when Castro announced that he’s going to retire in Miami.

Did you notice, President Bush is in Africa this week? And yesterday, true story, he visited a school and read to the students from “The Cat in the Hat.” Yeah. There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, “Sir, this is a college.”

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

You know you are a redneck if ...

...your wife is quoted in the local paper saying she does not want to dress up to go to Walmart...

The Big Tent


The GOP likes to call itself the “Big Tent Party,” which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent.

Ancient "devil frog" may have eaten baby dinosaurs

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - It was the biggest, baddest, meanest froggy ever to have hopped on Earth.

By Will Dunham
Mon Feb 18, 5:03 PM ET

Scientists on Monday announced the discovery in northwestern Madagascar of a bulky amphibian dubbed the "devil frog" that lived 65 million to 70 million years ago and was so nasty it may have eaten newborn dinosaurs.

This brute was larger than any frog living today and may be the biggest frog ever to have existed, according to paleontologist David Krause of Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York, one of the scientists who found the remains.

Its name, Beelzebufo ampinga, came from Beelzebub, the Greek for devil, and bufo -- Latin for toad. Ampinga means "shield," named for an armor-like part of its anatomy.

Beelzebufo (pronounced bee-el-zeh-BOOF-oh) was 16 inches

long and weighed an estimated 10 pounds (4.5 kg).

It was powerfully built and possessed a very wide mouth and powerful jaws. It probably didn't dine daintily.

Read the original article


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerf ully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
- This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

Cowboy wisdom

There's no time to rest when there's work to be done. Eat on the run, forget about sleep, and change horses often
(sounds like grad school!)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

He never told me.... !


Here’s something interesting. They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. And 38% thought it hurt her, 36 percent thought it helped her, and 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

Cowboy wisdom

Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford

I love you so much ...

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you
so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

Monday, February 18, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

what'll happen with this bed?

CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

Cowboy wisdom

A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

not funny

I am "feeling" the cowboy wisdom today ... "some things just ain't funny" ... I have temporarily lost my sense of humor ...I'll have a cup of coffee and see if I can find it again later today. For a more detailed explanation, go here :-( ... I feel like Darth Vader in the Youtube video below "I can kill you all with a single thought...I can kill me with a single thought! DEATH BY TRAY IT SHALL BE!"

Friday, February 15, 2008

Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen

Positional leadership ... if you have to tell them you are leader...then you really are not...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Conan O'Brian on politics 08

Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, “He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population - like Maine.”
After John McCain swept yesterday’s primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama’s been using, “I’m fired up and ready to go.” When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain’s been using, “I’m old and not sure where I am.”

Cowboy Wisdom

Some things ain't funny.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him

You really Otter love somebody

Aaaaww: From Vancouver Aquarium, it reminds me of me and Debbie... here is the Youtube LINK

or click twice below to watch the video...

Cowboy wisdom

It doesn't matter so much how long a ride you have as how well you ride it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

What children say

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

Monday, February 11, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Where's my gun?

how does it know its me?

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

Sunday, February 10, 2008

why do women live longer than men?

Calling the hospital info line

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

-- courtesy of M.P.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

How old are you?

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six.'

Friday, February 8, 2008

Why women live longer than men

enough said!

A Guy Who Winks When He Shakes Your Hand’

Aired Monday night on CBS:

Am I right about Mitt Romney? He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket.
Mitt Romney looks like the piano player at an upscale department store.
Mitt Romney looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand.
Mitt Romney looks like a guy who is married to an over-the-hill actress.
Mitt Romney looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol.
Mitt Romney looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it

Mom, why have you got two?

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new babysister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

Thursday, February 7, 2008

butt dust...

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget ... This particular Sunday sermon...

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I repl ied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
- Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Groundhog Day

Jay Leno:

This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it is nice to see something coming out of a hole in a ground that’s not running for president. You know what I’m saying?

Why did the chicken cross the road?


We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


"I hope it is Barack Obama. ... Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it's time America heard the words, 'And now for something completely different.'" --Bill Maher

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

Congrats to McCain

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. ... You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Miami Heat - a lock to miss the postsean

I thought I would throw this in here now, before someone else does! Speaking of the Heat and O'Neal....

"The Heat have lost 19 of their last 20 games and have the NBA's worst record at 9-37 — meaning the 2006 NBA champions are almost a lock to miss the postseason. To this point, O'Neal's year has been largely forgettable."

Top Ten New England Patriots Excuses

David Letterman:

10. What? It's best-of-seven
9. Too much pre-game chowder
8. Since when is that dude allowed to catch a ball with his head?!
7. Terrified by that Fox football robot
6. Everything was fine til' Dr. Phil decided to straighten us out
5. Should have campaigned harder in Florida
4. Entire team stayed up late that night before watching Hannah Montana concert movie
3. Exhausted after spending hours consoling a weepy Terrell Owens
2. Thought game was supposed to be played on Super Tuesday

(...drum role please .....)

The number one New England Patriots excuse....

1. The airline lost our 'roids!

Patriots Watch

New England Patriots Schedule Watch $99.95
* Pre-programmed with your favorite team's season * ''Star Spangled Banner'' plays at the start of each game* Scroll function allows you to see upcoming games, locations and start times ...

Jay Leno's "everything must go" garage sale

Randy Moss New England Patriots Navy Premier NFL Jersey $99.99
The nylon/polyester New England Patriots Premier jersey from Reebok delivers superb value by combining quality and details that approach those of an authentic jersey with affordability rivaling ...

Monday, February 4, 2008

Football news: the stealers

Jay Leno:

Football news. What’s new with the Steelers? Not the Pittsburgh Steelers, the signal stealing New England Patriots.

The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday’s game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Senator Larry Craig got caught in that men’s room.

New England Patriots were penalized

Conan O'Brian:

Earlier today, the New England Patriots were penalized by the NFL because they were caught cheating during last week’s game. Coach Belichick had to give up a first round draft pick and quarterback Tom Brady had to give up one of his supermodels.

19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots

here the link to buy
"19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots" (Paperback) on

You might get it cheaper tomorrow...

(later in the day) oops! I just tried the link and realized that it has been abruptly removed from the Amazon web site ... I swear it was working earlier today...thats how I got the photo of the book! oh well....

Maine Temperature Conversion Chart

20 above: Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.

zero degrees: People in Miami cease to exist....Mainers lick the flagpole.

-40 below: Hollywood disintegrates.....The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.

-60 below: Polar bears begin to evacuate AntarcticaMaine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-500 below: Hell freezes over......
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

religious extremism

sometimes the alternatives we offer the world are not very appealing. (Click twice to see the video)

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?


The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?