Wednesday, April 29, 2009

YESSS! I knew it!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Woman Chased By Bear and Hit by a Car!

...and after escaping death twice in 2 minutes, she gets dissed by this young commentator and future media mogul ...

I found this commentary on Youtube ... this is funny on so many levels...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

why does the waitress get more than God?

A little old lady, a home intruder and a misunderstanding over Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture toyou.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White
House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How bad is the economy?

The Economy is South Florida is starting to bottom out -- good thing also, the cats are almost ready to give up while the homeless and the dogs are praying...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Redneck engagment

did you know?

Sneezes travel out of your mouth at over 100 miles an hour.

Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters in 1933.

The dot over the letter "I" is called a tittle.

The garbage disposal was originally called the "Electric Pig."

Ostriches can run up to 70 km/h (43 mph).

a little old lady and horse manure on the carpet

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' He said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..... Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning

Monday, April 6, 2009

Americans are losing their religion

Jay Leno on Monday night.

"You know I saw a new survey that said Americans are losing their religion. I tell ya it is bad when you not only lose your job, but you don’t even have a prayer."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The importance of using the just the right word

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, "I'm Tom.."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to correct my wife; the word is sternum."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Life in So. Florida

Alligator On Side Of Road Snarls Traffic
9 1/2-Foot Gator Will Be Harvested

POSTED: Tuesday, April 1, 2008
UPDATED: 12:55 pm EDT April 1, 2008

NORTH LAUDERDALE, Fla. -- It's no April Fool's Day joke. An alligator perched on the side of the road caused traffic delays during the Tuesday morning rush hour in North Lauderdale.

The 9 1/2-foot gator was hanging out on the right side of southbound U.S. Highway 441 near the overpass to Florida's Turnpike.

Construction worker Jimmy Sewell was at a job site nearby when he noticed the gator. Sewell said he stopped some children on their bicycles from getting too close to the gator while a co-worker dialed 911.

Hoping to "get lucky"

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?