Friday, May 29, 2009

#9 A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Friday, May 22, 2009

Coffee machine

Funiest jokes #10 - A Dog's Life

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."

Submitted by L. B. Weinstein (RD June 2009)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Not a good sign ....

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this......

Just go back in the house,
Pour another cup of coffee,
And stay there.

It probably isn't going to be a good day....

Urgent CDC ALERT..............

Please read as this is very important to your health at multiple levels!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Some Alternative Names for Swine Flu:

(Side note: Who is the guy (or girl) who is visiting my site from Los Angeles? Introduce yourself with a comment ... send me some jokes!)

Baconic Plague
Mad Sow Disease
The Other White Flu

Friday, May 8, 2009

Leno on Edwards

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC:
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on “Oprah.”
Well, tomorrow, John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on “Oprah.” How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on “Jerry Springer”?
They taped the show earlier in the week and they’ve been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, “Neither one of us is out the door.” But believe me. One of them is on the couch.
John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he’s now looking for a third America to hide out in.

And as if he doesn’t have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question. Why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?

The New Wives Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the Husbands store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.0

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?