Saturday, January 30, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Pithy one-liners

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why boys need moms!

How the fight started

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Pithy one-liners

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

When to use the "F" word ....

Obama’s Christmas Card’


Monologue | Aired Friday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: Did you see President Obama’s Christmas card? Neither did I, he never sent me one. But some people are angry that it doesn’t contain the word “Christmas.” But I think the message is there. The card shows three wise men asking for bailout money. It’s right there. You can see it.

‘A Number of Explanations’


Monologue | Wednesday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party.

Why boys need moms!

From the church bulletin

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

pithy one-liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

How the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Warning: older men scam alert!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the Mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as we head to the Home Improvement Centers.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one really caught me by surprise.

Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, forward this on and tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco

Thursday, January 14, 2010

From the Church Bulletin

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------------------

Saturday, January 9, 2010

'Jesus is watching you.'

A Burgler broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables
when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook
his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world
are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus...!'

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

From the Church Bulletin

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

How the fight started

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

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Pithy one-liners

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Why boys need moms



(note: that was me at age 11--actually, that is still me at age 58!)

How the fight started ...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

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from the church bulletin

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Pithy one-liners

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?