Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Santa gets a gift!







Santa with an armful of LUV!!!!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

weeweechu ?


It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Gender metaphors


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

Friday, December 5, 2008

A Sign of the times


Despite the global economic melt-down, business is up at Wally World... you gotta love it!

warming up


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

"A crap sandwhich with cheese"


Aired Monday night on NBC: Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called a “crap sandwich.” Congress is already working on a new plan, which they call a “crap sandwich with cheese.”

Now, today, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his Administration’s bucket list.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Gender metaphors


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

Monday, November 24, 2008

Blending in...


Sometimes it is best not to draw too much attention to yourself.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

bilingual turkeys



it is amazing what you can learn when you are sufficiently motivated ...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Man, things are not looking good....


Aired Friday night on NBC: Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.
Man, things are not looking good. I opened the business section of the paper today. It said, “You Don’t Want To Know.” That was the headline.
Give you an idea how bad the American economy is — Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border.
President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.
No, President Bush announced that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market, but that was his second choice to fix the problem. First choice, invade Wall Street.
Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain ’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s economic plan, but nobody knows what it is yet.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Leno on the economic crisis


Aired Monday night on NBC: Hey, before we begin, I want to warn people in Nigeria who might be watching our show. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam.
As you know, the bailout was voted down, and people are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first, the smoke or the mirrors.
Today at CNBC, they said without a bailout, consumers wouldn’t be able to get credit cards at favorable rates. Oh, that takes some getting used to, huh? You mean they’ve been spoiling us with that low 30% interest?
And once again, you know, President Bush, God bless him, nice man, but I don’t think he understands the gravity of this situation. Like when someone told him WaMu went under, he said, “Well, that’s O.K, he’s a whale.”
This crisis has actually affected the way children play. Like when kids play Monopoly now, the dumbest kid is the banker.
I’ll give you an idea how bad the economy is. I wrote a $5 check over the weekend. The check was good, the bank bounced.
I’ll give you an idea of how bad the dollar is. Went to buy gold. They said, “You can only buy it with gold.”
In fact, the guy in the Rolls-Royce with the Grey Poupon had to switch to French’s mustard.

Letterman on Palin

Aired Friday night on CBS: Hi, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the program. I’m Dave Letterman, a pit bull with lipstick.”

Sarah Palin was at the U.N. yesterday, meeting all the world leaders. Actually, she is still learning who the world leaders are. For example, right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.
And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said: “Look, over there. That’s the President of Georgia.” And Sarah Palin said, “Wow, Jimmy Carter.”
And then Sarah Palin said, “Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifah.”
You know who else is in town at the U.N.? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and I believe this is his first visit to New York City since his 1970s affair with Barbara Walters.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

Winston Churchhill "unlikely contact"


Early in his career, Winston Churchhill left the Conservative Party to join the Liberals and grew a moustache, hoping to look older and more distinguished.
One day, a female constituent ran into Churchill on a London street and disdainfully remarked, "Mr. Churchill, I approve of neither your politics nor your moustache."
"Don't worry, Madam," Churchill replied, you are unlikely to come in contact with either."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Dogs and Cats


"Dogs and cats should always be brought together," said someone, "it broadens their minds so."
--C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1994, p. 233.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Weak Dollar

According to Jay Leno, the American dollar has gotten so weak, that yesterday God asked that we remove the part that says "In God We Trust"

The Bush Economic Plan

When you screw up, you pay ... when they screw up .... YOU pay!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Raining cats and dogs ... well... at least cats....

a true story about a pastor of a church. He had a kitten that climbed ?up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The ?pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the ?tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit ?further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the ?kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope ?broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the
kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little ?kitten. No.
Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this
kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. ?This woman was a ?cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go ?out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flyin out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of ?her."

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and
His unique sense of humor.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Coolidge and the fine arts

One evening a nervous soprano stuggled hopelessly before President Calvin Coolidge at a White House recital.

"What did you think of the singer's execution?" one of the guests asked Coolidge.

"I'm all for it," the chief executive replied.

Summer classes for men

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Summer Classes for Men

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Why we love children

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy 's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

"And don't quote me...."

After a conference with a foreign ambassador, reporters asked President Calvin Coolidge if he had anything to say.

"No," Coolidge said. "And I have nothing to say about anything else either."

As the reporters were leaving, Coolidge called out, "And don't quote me."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Leno on McCain and Paris Hilton



And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by that by saying Paris Hilton supports McCain’s approach to America’s energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you?


Personally, I’m not voting till I hear what Britney has to

Leno on Clinton and monogamy



And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, “Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?”





Summer Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Why we love children...

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

How do Drive like a Floridian

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Summer Classes for Men #4

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Monday, August 25, 2008

He was against it...

Calvin Coolidge arrived home from church. When his wife, who had been too ill to attend, inquired about the subject of the minister's sermon.

"Sin," Coolidge said.

"And what did he say about it?"

Mrs. Coolidge inquired.

"He was against it."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Worst job in the world ...

Summer Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Summer Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Summer Classes for Men

at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 15th, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

A difficult alternative ...

Senator Jim Watson of Indiana bluntly gave his constituents his opinion on an issue. he then added, "Now you have the facts, and you know exactly where I stand on the issue. you can vote for me, or you can go to hell."

When Calvin Coolidge heard this, he remarked, "He gave them a difficult alternative."

Monday, August 18, 2008

how to drive like a Floridian


9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Friday, August 15, 2008

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later.)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... ...

Questions that haunt me...

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

How to install a home security system in the south


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Sunday, July 27, 2008

SUNDAY CLOTHES


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home, '
answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '
'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the
other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,'
said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Some pretty nasty things about Barak...


Aired Thursday night on NBC: You know, with gas prices approaching $5 a gallon here in California, a lot of people are starting to use bicycles as transportation. In fact, coming in today, I saw Jesse Jackson backpedaling all the way.
Well, if you haven’t heard by now, on Fox News the other day, during an interview, Jesse Jackson, not realizing the mic was open, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama.
Jackson made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Here’s my question. Why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on, right?
Jesse said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him but to his former mistress and their love child

Things You Don't See Every Day

How to drive like a Floridian

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

Why we love children

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Monday, July 7, 2008

Things you don't see everyday...


Despite appearances, the people in the photo are NOT me and Debbie...although the guy's profile could easily be me... oh, and the bizarre thing about this photo is the baby in between the man in the woman ...where the red arrow is pointing.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

'Imagine if you tried this with your boss'


Aired Thursday night on NBC: President Bush went to Iowa today. He wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people in Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods or his presidency. Which one?
And Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You’ve been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job, which you do not get. So, you then take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Huh?

Barack Obama and Gore

Jay Leno - Aired Friday night on NBC: Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. It was so hot, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade.

Why we love children ... #7

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

Friday, July 4, 2008

Things you don't see everyday....

July 4th on Biscayn Bay!

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

How to drive like a Floridian....

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Why we love children...

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

Friday, June 27, 2008

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

A pastoral perspective....

How to drive like a Floridian

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Why we love children ...

POLICE

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number yo u dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Why we love chldren...

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Saturday, June 14, 2008

How To Drive Like A Floridian....


5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no- fault insurance the other guy has nothing to lose.

Why we love children

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

How to drive like a Floridian

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

Why do we love children?

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the
sky and said, "Where?" - courtesy of John Padget

Monday, June 9, 2008

How to drive like a Floridian #3

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller your chance of getting hit.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Why do we love children?

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Penny for your thoughts?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

How to drive like a Floridian #2

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Friday, May 30, 2008

How To Drive Like A Floridian....

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

man on the moon?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

pearls before swine....

Writer Dorothy Parker and U.S. Representative Claire Booth Luce bumped into each other entering a restaurant.

"Age before beauty," Luce sniffed, stepping aside.

"And pearls before swine," answered Parker as she walked past.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Change your friends!

A French citizen approached President Charles de Gaulle and said, "My friends are not content with your policies."

"Well," de Gaulle answered, "change your friends."

Everyone seems normal...

Ain't it the truth?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Even God is not that busy

Suffragist Julia Ward Howe tried to enlist Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner in the case of a person who needed help. "Julia, I've become so busy I can no longer concern myself with individuals," Sumner said. Howe replied, "Even God hasn't reached that stage yet" (Chris Lamb, 2007).

Monday, May 26, 2008

Haunting questions....

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Courtesy of Billy Long

Dr. Sam's new web site


hey Check out my friend Dr. Sam's new web site .... http://www.drsam.tv/

I hope you will check it out ... Dr. Sam has majorly helped my wife and I and our children over the last few years. He has innovated certain kinesthetic and nuero-linguistic programing techniques that are amazingly effective.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Street signs in Sparta


I'm in a '300' kind of mood....I want to kick someone's ass...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Can we end this stupid thing?


LENO: Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Hey, this Sunday is Mother’s Day. Now, if you haven’t gotten your mom a gift yet, can’t go wrong with a gallon of gasoline, huh? It’s a little pricey, but, hey, you only got one mom, you know?

Well, yesterday, Barack Obama soundly beat Hillary Clinton in North Carolina by 14 points. And in Indiana, Hillary Clinton won. So you know what this means? No and neither do I. And I don’t care anymore. I’m fed up, O.K.? I don’t care who wins. Can we end this stupid thing?

it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney


Aired Thursday night on CBS: So here is what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial.
I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy.

Now here’s what I don’t understand about government and politics and stuff like that. Earlier today President Bush asked Congress to O.K. an additional $50 billion for his daughter’s wedding.
This weekend at the Bush family ranch, one of President Bush’s daughters will be getting married. And I thought this was cute. The groom went to President Bush and asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And President Bush said, “Well, it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney.”
Everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom. - Letterman

Friday, May 9, 2008

think before you speak...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

World Religions

This probably explains it all:

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Captain Joe says "Arrrrrgh...where's the rum?"


my brother sent this for my birthday...I'm in the mood to cut somebody's head off... just remember, always pillage before you burn!

Bill is missing

Bill was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, "To make up for your thoughtlessness, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Bill got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It wasn¢t as large as she expected but she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, confident the box probably contained a set of keys.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bill has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

Monday, April 21, 2008

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!



Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

see, men don't really listen...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

80,000 people lost jobs last month


Aired Monday night on NBC: France has made contact with those pirates that hijacked a French luxury yacht off the coast of Somalia last week. Did you know about this story? Negotiations are going very slowly. So far, the only thing the pirates have said is “Arrrrgh!”

Well, did you know this week is Explore Your Career Options Week? Especially if you work for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Well, did you hear about this? Hillary Clinton’s senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire.

No, as her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from a virtual shoo-in to second place.

Well, more bad news on the economic front; 80,000 people lost jobs last month. … But to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers, so I don’t know if that actually counts.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

why is he running for president?


Aired Thursday night on NBC: Actually, we’re learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour so you can learn about him. I guess his wife, Cindy, is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So, he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go — why is he running for president?

The other night, Barbara Walters had a special called ‘Live to be 150.’ And she showed people who are over 100 years old, leading active lives: jogging, hiking; one guy even running for president in the Republican Party.

Leno on Obama and McCain

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Speaking of that, today, Barack Obama announced the first thing he would do as president, shut down all the bowling alleys.

And John McCain said he is putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead.

We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight...

LENO, Aired Thursday night on NBC: I am very excited. We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight. Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentlemen! As you know, in Philadelphia the other day, Senator Clinton said she’s a lot like Rocky Balboa from the movie “Rocky.” Is that a good idea? Don’t we already have a president like Rocky? I mean, isn’t eight years of a guy who talks like he’s been hit in the head too many times enough?

And although some people call for her to pull out of the race, Hillary says she will not pull out because she wants everyone’s vote to count. Unless you’re voting for Obama. Then you can ignore that.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

McCain on Letterman


David Letterman and Senator John McCain traded insults on Tuesday night’s “Late Show.” First, Letterman:

You know who I like is that John McCain … He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. McCain looks like the guy who can’t stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. McCain looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. McCain looks like the guy that’s always got wiry hair growing out of new places. McCain looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash.

Then McCain’s rejoinders:
Hey, Letterman? You think that stuff’s pretty funny, don’t you? Well, you look like a guy whose laptop would be seized by the authorities. You look like a guy caught smuggling reptiles in his pants. You look like the night manager of a creepy motel. And you look like the guy who enjoys getting into a hot tub, and watching his swim trunks inflate

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?