Saturday, April 26, 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Captain Joe says "Arrrrrgh...where's the rum?"

my brother sent this for my birthday...I'm in the mood to cut somebody's head off... just remember, always pillage before you burn!

Bill is missing

Bill was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, "To make up for your thoughtlessness, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Bill got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It wasn¢t as large as she expected but she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, confident the box probably contained a set of keys.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bill has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

Monday, April 21, 2008


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

see, men don't really listen...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

80,000 people lost jobs last month

Aired Monday night on NBC: France has made contact with those pirates that hijacked a French luxury yacht off the coast of Somalia last week. Did you know about this story? Negotiations are going very slowly. So far, the only thing the pirates have said is “Arrrrgh!”

Well, did you know this week is Explore Your Career Options Week? Especially if you work for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Well, did you hear about this? Hillary Clinton’s senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire.

No, as her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from a virtual shoo-in to second place.

Well, more bad news on the economic front; 80,000 people lost jobs last month. … But to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers, so I don’t know if that actually counts.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

why is he running for president?

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Actually, we’re learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour so you can learn about him. I guess his wife, Cindy, is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So, he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go — why is he running for president?

The other night, Barbara Walters had a special called ‘Live to be 150.’ And she showed people who are over 100 years old, leading active lives: jogging, hiking; one guy even running for president in the Republican Party.

Leno on Obama and McCain

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Speaking of that, today, Barack Obama announced the first thing he would do as president, shut down all the bowling alleys.

And John McCain said he is putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead.

We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight...

LENO, Aired Thursday night on NBC: I am very excited. We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight. Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentlemen! As you know, in Philadelphia the other day, Senator Clinton said she’s a lot like Rocky Balboa from the movie “Rocky.” Is that a good idea? Don’t we already have a president like Rocky? I mean, isn’t eight years of a guy who talks like he’s been hit in the head too many times enough?

And although some people call for her to pull out of the race, Hillary says she will not pull out because she wants everyone’s vote to count. Unless you’re voting for Obama. Then you can ignore that.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

McCain on Letterman

David Letterman and Senator John McCain traded insults on Tuesday night’s “Late Show.” First, Letterman:

You know who I like is that John McCain … He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. McCain looks like the guy who can’t stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. McCain looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. McCain looks like the guy that’s always got wiry hair growing out of new places. McCain looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash.

Then McCain’s rejoinders:
Hey, Letterman? You think that stuff’s pretty funny, don’t you? Well, you look like a guy whose laptop would be seized by the authorities. You look like a guy caught smuggling reptiles in his pants. You look like the night manager of a creepy motel. And you look like the guy who enjoys getting into a hot tub, and watching his swim trunks inflate

Then She is like Rambo

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Here’s some good news. In response to the country’s severe economic crisis, President Bush has been working around the clock. He has drafted landmark legislation that will end the recession within a month and bring down the price of gas by 35 percent. April Fools!

No, the rich are still going to be getting richer. Don’t worry about it.
April Fools’, of course, the day when people try to fool their friends and relatives, as opposed to April 15, where you try to fool the IRS. Totally different.
Well, Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character, Rocky. Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn’t Rocky get the crap beat out of him and lose?

Hillary Clinton is just like Rocky, except when she’s in Bosnia; then she’s like Rambo.

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?

R U Ready to Make the Commitment?