summit meeting

‘Not Everyone’s Happy’
Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fox News said it was a “summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.”

They could be very angry

Leno: ‘They Could Be Very Angry’
Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona

Leno on pocket change

Leno: ‘One Embarrassing Moment’
Monologue | Monday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

pithy one-liners

How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

When is a good time to use to use the "F" word?

Teenagers of the world unite and break loose from your chains!

if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it!

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

IS that a gun in your pocket?

Churck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun ....

Church Norris paper problem

They once made a "chuck norris" toilet paper but there was a problem -- it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris is da man!

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass -- at night.

Chuck Norris

Some people wear Superman pajamas? Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas