“So, do you speak Hindu?

Yup, fluently. And I can say a couple of things in Muslim and Christian too.

Having a good time

Baptazia - Super Sunday - Master x / Rhymes & Noisia - 1 of 3

http://youtu.be/c-HgBrVLv5I

Some things that Atheists and Christians can agree on ....

like kicking the shit out of Westboro Baptists!

HILARIOUS!!!

Best Voicemail Ever Gives Hilarious Play-by-Play of Car Accident

 By Tim Gray September 19, 2013 9:55 AM

The TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS MOMENTS

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin

Deeply Painful Ph.D. Student Prolems (besides your thesis)

Telling children you’re in the 25th grade.

This about sums it up

But thank God I had a wonderful committee, who really went to bat for me and became personal friends along the way.

You think English is easy??

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn't ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ 

LOOKOUT! Europe is getting restless ....

ALERTS TO THREATS

IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more

escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Europe is getting restless .....

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The Europeans are getting restless .....

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

25 Deeply Painful Ph.D. Student Problems (Besides the Thesis)

Seeing someone on your dissertation committee outside of school:

Deeply Painful Ph.D. Student Problems (Besides Your Thesis)

Trying to date another Ph.D. student:

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
 _______________________________

And last ... (drumroll):

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,                        
                        nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.  
 _______________________________

stupid moments in the courtroom

 ____________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid.
 ____________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________

All of your responses MUST be oral

 _______________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _______________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _______________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _______________________________

 ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral... _______________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 

Coutroom humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 __________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
__________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?__________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever done voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
__________________________________

Just when you think you gotta a little peace and quiet ...

Sometimes it backfires

Robot love ... and dog and cat noises ...

Robot Programmed to Fall in Love with a Girl Goes too Far

Posted by Geek on Oct 8th, 2010 // 72 Comments

Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love. Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst.

“Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.”

“Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. It doesn’t help that Kenji uses only pre-recorded dog and cat noises to communicate and is able to vocalize his love through a 20 watt speaker in his chest.

Working out ....

try to keep it balanced ....

Big Ass Grill

"At least I am not hallucinating ..."

If you "bake it", they will come ...

I am really enjoying my time on the farm in Ohio with my parents ... getting ready to bake a mulberry pie for dinner! (we picked the berries yesterday)

Coffee reduces suicide risk ...

I'm going downstairs right now to pour another cup ... hopefully hot!

From the Harvard School of Public Health:

Coffee reduces Suicide Risk

On the far side of Hell ....

RUFF, I take it back!

I am sorry for everything I said last week about George Zimmerman, and his "stupidity." It has recently come to my attention how stupid I can be ... I guess stupid people should not only not be allowed to have guns, but I now have to add into that ownership of a car.

Before my dog died she said .... "ruff." ... She had no idea ....

Matthew 7 
[ Judging Others ] For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ...

Don't say no to Chuck

Women never say 'no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen

decaf? really?

I'm staying in a Comfort Inn in Mobile Alabama. I got up this morning and fixed coffee. I drank it. I am still not awake. I look at the packet. It was decaf.

I am not a happy camper. Next stop -- Atlanta.

Guns and Idiots do not mix well.....

I say convict Zimmerman of 2nd degree Murder ... I don't care what the law says, idiots should not be allowed to walk around public spaces with guns .... especially blonds!!!   observe .... 

blond idiots should not be allowed to even hold a gun!

Even sexy idiots!

Crazy ass, tatooed idiots, nuff said! -->

above, and real, genuine, stuipid ass teenager idiots. Notice its the blond that has a ridiculous smile while a gun is held to her head

Social and salsa withdrawal = cabin fever

After six weeks of non-stop work on my dissertation ... I am starting to get some cabin fever. I am going through salsa and social withdrawal .... I probably need to organize another party!

g-e-t-t-i-n-g ... v-e-r-y ... s-l-e-e-p-y

omg, I keep nodding off, I'm g-e-t-t-i-n-g ... v-e-r-y ... s-l-e-e-p-y ... but it is too late to take a nap!

HOLY CRAP! This little piggy .... is a MONSTER!

Cute little pig ...That was killed in King's Point, Sun City Center, FL. about 40 miles from Sarasota ... 

Weekend off

I have decided to take the weekend off -- no dissertation writing for me until Monday!

Creative landscaping

They say a "picture is worth a thousand words." Landscaping might just be worth a chapter in a book!

Chuck Norris' virility

Chuck Norris got three women pregnant at once-- during a conference call.

From twitter - McGangBang sandwhich

There exists a secret McDonald's sandwich named McGangBang -- it is a McChicken sandwich in the middle of a double cheeseburger.

For sound effects, click below:

Only 10 more pages to go in Chapter 5!

 ... and then I re-write chapter 6, start working on footnotes and my bibliography ... whew ... I am tired already!

It's been a hard days night

♪ 6 more pages to go in chapter 4 ♪ ... (drinking song)

6 more pages to go in chapter 4 -- 6 more pages to go! -- take one down, correct it all around -- only 5 more pages to go in chapter 4 ....

My Cat and my Dissertation

Ok, time to knock out the next 12 pages of Round 4! That is, if my cat will let me 

Everyone has an opinion ...

I am really tired of everyone's opinions -- including my own! The world would be a better place if we stopped opining and started loving ....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

~Rodney Dangerfield

Deciphering Academic Talk

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

• "It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.
• "Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
• "These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
• "In my experience" = once.
• "In case after case" = twice.
• "In a series of cases" = thrice.
• "It is believed that" = I think.
• "It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
• "Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
• "According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
• "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
• "After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

11 Reasons why a Writing a Dissertation is Harder than Having a Baby

1. Three months before your due date, your doctor doesn't say, "I want you to go back and re-do the first trimester's work.

    
2. Unlike advisers, you can switch doctors without having to start over.
3. Conceiving a baby is WAY more fun than conceiving a topic.4. You know exactly how long a pregnancy takes.
5. Friends and relatives don't question the worth of a baby.
6. You don't need to explain repeatedly to friends and family what it takes to make a baby and why you're not through yet.
7. No one will make you go to grad school before having a baby.
8. Everyone will say your baby is cute and you'll believe them.
9. Babies don't require proper footnoting or adherence to a style manual.
10. You can freely borrow other people's stuff if you're having a baby and not be accused of plagiarism.
11. No one will complain if your baby is too similar to another one.

San Antonio Spurs Jokes

Q. What is the difference between the San Antonio Spurs and a dollar bill?

A. You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill!

Crying Shower

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower, he stares at it until it starts to cry.

Chuck Norris does not call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone

Chuck Norris

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Garfield hates mondays

\

I'm sleepy .....

my hurricane preps....

hurricane season officially begins on May 1st in Miami ...

"God will provide"

 A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

What is a truely Jewish dilemma?

When someone offers you a "free" ham ....

~ Courtesy of Fred Lessans

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) 

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich. 
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
- - Curt, age 7 

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin , age 10

Idiocracy and Einstein

witticisms

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake relationships.
4. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
6. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
7. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
9. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) 

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

 
Both don't want any more kids. 


-- Lori, age 8

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8