My Cat and my Dissertation

Ok, time to knock out the next 12 pages of Round 4! That is, if my cat will let me 

Everyone has an opinion ...

I am really tired of everyone's opinions -- including my own! The world would be a better place if we stopped opining and started loving ....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

~Rodney Dangerfield

Deciphering Academic Talk

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

• "It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.
• "Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
• "These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
• "In my experience" = once.
• "In case after case" = twice.
• "In a series of cases" = thrice.
• "It is believed that" = I think.
• "It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
• "Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
• "According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
• "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
• "After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

11 Reasons why a Writing a Dissertation is Harder than Having a Baby

1. Three months before your due date, your doctor doesn't say, "I want you to go back and re-do the first trimester's work.

    
2. Unlike advisers, you can switch doctors without having to start over.
3. Conceiving a baby is WAY more fun than conceiving a topic.4. You know exactly how long a pregnancy takes.
5. Friends and relatives don't question the worth of a baby.
6. You don't need to explain repeatedly to friends and family what it takes to make a baby and why you're not through yet.
7. No one will make you go to grad school before having a baby.
8. Everyone will say your baby is cute and you'll believe them.
9. Babies don't require proper footnoting or adherence to a style manual.
10. You can freely borrow other people's stuff if you're having a baby and not be accused of plagiarism.
11. No one will complain if your baby is too similar to another one.

San Antonio Spurs Jokes

Q. What is the difference between the San Antonio Spurs and a dollar bill?

A. You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill!

Crying Shower

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower, he stares at it until it starts to cry.

Chuck Norris does not call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone