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NUNS AND BEER

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other Nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

- by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

Cowboy Wisdom

"Don't Squat with Yer Spurs On" - Texas Bix Bender.

NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kinya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Avoid cutting yourself

-Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Churchill on Martyrdom

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. -Churchill

Marx: A Wonderful Evening

-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx

Big Gun

Big Gun 2 - Watch the best video clips here

What to do if you choke on an ice cube

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup ofboiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almostinstantly removed.

Mark Twain on funerals

-I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) on Pets

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Why can't women fart?

This is from my daughter Sarah:

You know why men pass more gas then women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.

Sarah

You know what kills me?

My wife's favorite joke lately is a true story about a lady in her 40s named Marty who has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "you know what kills me...?"

Smiling, her husband teased, "Apparently nothing."

Gender Dictionary

I will tell a joke I saw once in the Sunday cartoons in the newspaper. I think the name of the cartoon was "sally" or something like that.

A man tells his wife that he is going out to the store. She looks at him thoughtfully and holds out her car keys and says, "you can use my car, if you like." He gets an anxious puzzled look on his face, and runs into the next room and takes a "gender" dictionary off the shelf and looks up the phrase. The male translation is: "Take my car and fill it up with gas." He comes back smiling, takes her keys and she is happy. She feels loved, cared-for and understood.

For a discussion on this topic of gender communications, go to www.friendsforthejourney.com.

One Liners.....

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.



Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.



When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.