Hollywood Squares Q & A

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Questions and Answers

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. P If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card That's in my desk drawer.


I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

What if Facebook had existed hundreds of years ago?

EVER HAD ONE OF THESE DAYS??

There was a guy sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,trouble-making redneck steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps
it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the guy burst into
tears.
"Come on, Bubba," the redneck says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," the guy tells him. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to work again and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in my buddy's truck when he took me home. I found my wife in bed with the county animal control officer and they threw me out of the house.."

"So I get a ride to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop 7 capsules of horse tranquilizer in it that I stole from the animal control officer's truck and was sitting here watching them dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Going a little too far ...

this is just plain wrong ...

Women's room

So thats what they do in there ....

"Git'er done"

"Well done is better than well said."

B.F. on "hangin"

We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.

Ben Franklin on stupidity

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

British Survey

The U.S. is not the only one trying to work through immigration issues:

Man's penis freed from metal pipe with industrial grinder :(

A man who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder, after doctors could not free his genitals from their metal trap.

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.


Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.


The man, thought to be aged around 40, did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis, after he presented himself at the hospital's Accident & Emergency department on Tuesday morning. He was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious'.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: 'It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.


'It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again.'

Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: 'I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on.
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going...
Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.

Grandma's boyfriend

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Pithy one-liners

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

summit meeting

‘Not Everyone’s Happy’
Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fox News said it was a “summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.”

They could be very angry

Leno: ‘They Could Be Very Angry’
Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona

Leno on pocket change

Leno: ‘One Embarrassing Moment’
Monologue | Monday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

pithy one-liners

How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

When is a good time to use to use the "F" word?

Teenagers of the world unite and break loose from your chains!

if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it!

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

IS that a gun in your pocket?

Churck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun ....

Church Norris paper problem

They once made a "chuck norris" toilet paper but there was a problem -- it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris is da man!

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass -- at night.

Chuck Norris

Some people wear Superman pajamas? Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

When to use the "F" -bomb ....

Hi friends,

My friend Billy Long just posted some hilarious “Billy Longisms” on his blog:

OUT OF THE BOX

Here is just one example: "One fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating."
Enjoy,

JH

‘Two Brain Trusts’

Monologue | Monday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care

Chuck Norris turns 70

"Chuck Norris is so fast he can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. "

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,


'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Pithy one-liners

On the other hand, you have different fingers

aging gracefully

U2 Concert

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

From the church bulletin

--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------------------

Pithy one-liners

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Cat in the ceiling fan

chatty monk

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Power Tools for men - blower

When is a good time to use the "F" word?

Why Boys need moms

Pithy one-liners

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Tools for men - Power Drill

Pithy one-liners

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why boys need moms!

How the fight started

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started...

Pithy one-liners

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

When to use the "F" word ....

Obama’s Christmas Card’

Monologue | Aired Friday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: Did you see President Obama’s Christmas card? Neither did I, he never sent me one. But some people are angry that it doesn’t contain the word “Christmas.” But I think the message is there. The card shows three wise men asking for bailout money. It’s right there. You can see it.

‘A Number of Explanations’

Monologue | Wednesday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party.

Why boys need moms!

From the church bulletin

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

pithy one-liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

How the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

******************************************

When is it ok to use the "F" word?

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Warning: older men scam alert!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the Mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as we head to the Home Improvement Centers.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one really caught me by surprise.

Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, forward this on and tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco

From the Church Bulletin

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------------------

'Jesus is watching you.'

A Burgler broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables
when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook
his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world
are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus...!'

From the Church Bulletin

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

How the fight started

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

Pithy one-liners

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Why boys need moms

(note: that was me at age 11--actually, that is still me at age 58!)

How the fight started ...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

from the church bulletin

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Pithy one-liners

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.