Are you going to San Diego?...

(courtesy of Debbie Holbrook)
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Um homem caminha pela praia...

Um homem caminha despreocupadamente pela praia, quando encontra uma daqueles famosas lâmpadas mágicas. Sabendo muito bem o que deveria fazer, esfrega com firmeza a lâmpada e dela logo sai um gênio.

Gênio: Eu, hein! Você me libertou da lâmpada. Esta é a quarta vez neste més e não agüento mais estes pedidos idiotas. Então, pode esquecer a história dos três desejos. Você tem direito a apenas um. E olhe lá!

Homem: Sempre quis ir ao Hawai, mas tenho medo de voar e costumo ficar enjoado. Quero que construa uma ponte até la para eu ir dirigindo.

Gênio: isto é impossível. Pense na logística do assunto. Como as colunas alcançariam o fundo do oceano? Quanto concreto? Quanto aço? Não dá! Pense em outro desejo.

Homem: Fui casado e me divociei quatro vezes. Minhas esposas sempre disseram que eu não me importava com elas e que sou insensível. Então, desejo entender as mulheres.

Gênio: Você quer a droga da ponte com duas ou quatro pistas?

(translation below)

The Genie in the bottle...

There was a guy walking along the beach, and he tripped over an old looking lamp. He picked it up and rubbed. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, I am tired of stupid wishes, I will only give you one wish!"

The suprised man said, " OK, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.

if it don´t seem like its worth the effort, it probably ain´t.

never smack a man who´s chewin´tobacco.

Que vengan toros...

hubo un viejo pero muy querido missionario una vez, quien no hablaba muy bien el idioma castillana. Una vez el estaba en un servicio y se dio cuenta que habia muchos hombres mirando para dentro en la puerta. La iglesia solamente tenia unas pocas mujeres en las primeras bancas.

El hombre se inspiró and invito a los hombres que entraram. Pero no pudo pronuciar muy bien las palabras. El misionario quiso decir, "Que vengan todos, aqui hay bancas vaicas", pero al fin dijo por error, "Que vengan toros, aqui hay vacas vacias!" Muchos hombres se interesaron en su iglesia despues de eso.

be nice...

be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

If you woke up breathing...

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Two priests and a rabbi ...

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

Everyone seems normal until...

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.