Hi friends,

My friend Billy Long just posted some hilarious “Billy Longisms” on his blog:

OUT OF THE BOX

Here is just one example: "One fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating."
Enjoy,

JH

Summer Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Bubba and Earl

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

The passenger, Bubba, said, 'Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!'

Don't worry, Bubba,' Earl said. 'We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?' asked Bubba.

'Just let me do the talkin', OK?,' said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, 'Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?' 'Me and Bubba's on the Patch

Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."


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dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Clem, the pipe and the mule -- a mouthful!

A farmer was plowing his field with his mule. Most of the day, the mule plowed straight furrows, but toward the end of the day, the mule began to plow erratically. The farmer stopped and went around and noticed that the mules eyes were crossed. The farmer called his helper, Clem, and said, “Clem, run up to the house and call the vet.”

The vet arrived within the hour and looked at the mule. He said, “I see what the problem is…do you have a length of pipe?” The farmer said, “Clem, run up to the barn and get that 3 foot length of pipe and bring it here.”

Clem brought the pipe and handed it to the vet. The vet took the pipe and stuffed it into the rear end of the mule and began to puff on it. As he blew into the pipe, the mule’s eyes began to slowly straighten out. Finally, the vet said, “there you are, that will be $100.” The farmer paid him and the vet left.

The farmer went back to plowing. At first the mule plowed straight furrows. After about an hour though, the furrows began getting erratic again. The farmer went around and saw that the mule’s eyes were crossed again. This time the farmer said, “I ain’t payin no vetenenarian $100 to do what I can do just as well. Clem! Run back up there and fetch me that there pipe!”

Clem brought him the pipe and the famer stuck it into the mule’s rear again, and began to blow on the pipe… but as hard has he blew, he could not quite get the mule’s eyes straight out again. Finally he said, “Clem, I’m out of breath, try puffin on this here pipe for a while.” Clem started to blow on the end of the pipe, and looked at the farmer, and then pulled out the pipe and turned it around and stuck it in the other end and started to blow on it. The farmer said, “Clem, what the heck are you doin?” Clem said, “I ain’t a going to put my lips where you have had your mouth!”

Bertha and Harvey

Bertha and Harvey always went to church together. But this particular Sunday Bertha was a little "under the weather" and so she stayed home. Harvey went on alone. Bertha began to worry when Harvey had not returned from church at the expected time. Then around 4:00 PM she heard a scratching at the door. She opened it, and there stood Harvey with his right arm in a cast, his left arm in a sling, his eyes swollen shut, black and blue. His shirt was ripped almost off of his body. He had knots on his head, and bruises and contusions all over his body.
Bertha cried out, "My goodness, Harvy! What happened to you?"
Harvey said, "Do you remember last week at church when we sat behind sister Anabell, the church fat lady? Do you remember when we stood up to sing hymn no 139, do your remember how the back of her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt? Do you remember how bro Elmer reached over there and pulled it out? Do you remember how she beat the living tar out of him when he did that? Well, today I sat behind siter Anabell again, and when we stood up to sing the hymn, sure enough, her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt again, and bro Hubert reached over there and pulled it out. Well, I remember how she beat the living daylights out of bro Elmer for doing that. So I just reached over and put it back!

clean, white, unsalted peanuts

Pastor Boonelevel visited Sister Beulah. She was about 85 or 90 years old and was unable to get to church except on rare occasions. He sat on the sofa in front of the coffee table on which sat a bowl of beautiful, clean, white, unsalted peanuts. They were tempting but he did not bother them. Sister Beulah interrupted the conversattion to go to the bathroom. She was in there a long time because she had forgotten to take her metamucil the night before. So as Bro Boonelevel waited for her, he began to eat from the bowl of peanuts. After a while he had eaten every peanut in the bowl. He apologized to Sister Beulah when she returned to her seat. "I am sorry, but I have eaten all your peanuts." She replied, "Oh, thaths okay. Sinth, I losth my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."