Bathroom protocols

a little old lady and horse manure on the carpet

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' He said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..... Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning

Political promises?

Worst job in the world ...

A dog walks into a bar

A dog walks into a bar, jumps onto a bar stool and says to the bartender,

"Hey today is my birthday, do I get a free drink?"

The bartender replies "sure, the toilet is around the corner."

new battery

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'

He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

- courtesy of C.W.

Three women naked in the sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...................' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!'

--- Courtesy of Clare

Government Health Warning

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING GUM!

NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kinya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Why can't women fart?

This is from my daughter Sarah:

You know why men pass more gas then women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.

Sarah