witticisms

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake relationships.
4. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
6. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
7. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
9. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Pithy one-liners

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

pithy one-liners

How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

Pithy one-liners

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Pithy one-liners

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Pithy one-liners

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Pithy one-liners

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Pithy one-liners

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

pithy one-liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Pithy one-liners

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Pithy one-liners

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Pithy one-liners

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

pithy one liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Pithy one-liners

A day without sunshine is like night.

healthy skepiticism

The Ladies Room

the sign on the Ladies Room door said "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"

Dogs and Cats

"Dogs and cats should always be brought together," said someone, "it broadens their minds so."
--C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1994, p. 233.

Coolidge and the fine arts

One evening a nervous soprano stuggled hopelessly before President Calvin Coolidge at a White House recital.

"What did you think of the singer's execution?" one of the guests asked Coolidge.

"I'm all for it," the chief executive replied.

He was against it...

Calvin Coolidge arrived home from church. When his wife, who had been too ill to attend, inquired about the subject of the minister's sermon.

"Sin," Coolidge said.

"And what did he say about it?"

Mrs. Coolidge inquired.

"He was against it."

pearls before swine....

Writer Dorothy Parker and U.S. Representative Claire Booth Luce bumped into each other entering a restaurant.

"Age before beauty," Luce sniffed, stepping aside.

"And pearls before swine," answered Parker as she walked past.