doggone it ...

Dogs are hyper-vigilant

A good deal on a talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Bassett Hound sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Bassett Hound looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff......

#5 - Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Submitted by Harry Nelson

Funiest jokes #10 - A Dog's Life

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."



Submitted by L. B. Weinstein (RD June 2009)

How bad is the economy?

The Economy is South Florida is starting to bottom out -- good thing also, the cats are almost ready to give up while the homeless and the dogs are praying...

Man's best friend -- in good times and ba ...

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

see, men don't really listen...

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

A dog walks into a bar ...

...and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be five dollars."
A little later, making conversation, the bartender says, "We don't get many dogs in here."
The dog replies, "At these prices...I'm not surprised."

A dog walks into a bar

A dog walks into a bar, jumps onto a bar stool and says to the bartender,

"Hey today is my birthday, do I get a free drink?"

The bartender replies "sure, the toilet is around the corner."

Smart dog!

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "Thats the smartest dog I've every seen."

"Oh, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Dog Jokes

A Dog walks into the bar, "How are you doing?" asks the bartender.

"Ruff," the dog answers