Craig Ferguson figures out why everything sucks

Clinton's next mission

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS:

Bill Clinton is back in America after going to North Korea and freeing two journalists. To be fair, it wasn’t difficult for Bill. He’s used to sneaking women out of government buildings.


They landed in L.A. this morning. And it is quite a contrast between North Korea and L.A. One’s a cruel place, filled with soulless people who are despised by most Americans. And of course, the other one is North Korea.

Now that he’s freed the journalists, Bill Clinton’s next mission is get Paula Abdul back on “American Idol.”

The White House made it clear that, although Bill Clinton met with a world leader, he in no way speaks for the President of the United States. It’s the same disclaimer they use when Joe Biden travels.

‘Shows How Little I Know’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.

Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a Republican at this point? I think so.

There were actually two fundraisers last night — a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that’s what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there’s always an A-list and a B-list.

In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone.

Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden’s teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that’s when you know you’re talking to too much — when even Mother Nature goes, “Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.”

The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union.

Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings.

Jaegerbombs and Sarah Palin

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, “Keep it down over there!”

In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, “I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.”

To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama’s going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs.

President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: “What’s your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?”

Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.

Leno on Edwards

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC:
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on “Oprah.”
Well, tomorrow, John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on “Oprah.” How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on “Jerry Springer”?
They taped the show earlier in the week and they’ve been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, “Neither one of us is out the door.” But believe me. One of them is on the couch.
John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he’s now looking for a third America to hide out in.

And as if he doesn’t have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question. Why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?