keeping up with technology

red neck palm pilot

How to install a home security system in the south

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Clem, the pipe and the mule -- a mouthful!

A farmer was plowing his field with his mule. Most of the day, the mule plowed straight furrows, but toward the end of the day, the mule began to plow erratically. The farmer stopped and went around and noticed that the mules eyes were crossed. The farmer called his helper, Clem, and said, “Clem, run up to the house and call the vet.”

The vet arrived within the hour and looked at the mule. He said, “I see what the problem is…do you have a length of pipe?” The farmer said, “Clem, run up to the barn and get that 3 foot length of pipe and bring it here.”

Clem brought the pipe and handed it to the vet. The vet took the pipe and stuffed it into the rear end of the mule and began to puff on it. As he blew into the pipe, the mule’s eyes began to slowly straighten out. Finally, the vet said, “there you are, that will be $100.” The farmer paid him and the vet left.

The farmer went back to plowing. At first the mule plowed straight furrows. After about an hour though, the furrows began getting erratic again. The farmer went around and saw that the mule’s eyes were crossed again. This time the farmer said, “I ain’t payin no vetenenarian $100 to do what I can do just as well. Clem! Run back up there and fetch me that there pipe!”

Clem brought him the pipe and the famer stuck it into the mule’s rear again, and began to blow on the pipe… but as hard has he blew, he could not quite get the mule’s eyes straight out again. Finally he said, “Clem, I’m out of breath, try puffin on this here pipe for a while.” Clem started to blow on the end of the pipe, and looked at the farmer, and then pulled out the pipe and turned it around and stuck it in the other end and started to blow on it. The farmer said, “Clem, what the heck are you doin?” Clem said, “I ain’t a going to put my lips where you have had your mouth!”

NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kinya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"