Letterman on Palin

Aired Friday night on CBS: Hi, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the program. I’m Dave Letterman, a pit bull with lipstick.”

Sarah Palin was at the U.N. yesterday, meeting all the world leaders. Actually, she is still learning who the world leaders are. For example, right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.
And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said: “Look, over there. That’s the President of Georgia.” And Sarah Palin said, “Wow, Jimmy Carter.”
And then Sarah Palin said, “Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifah.”
You know who else is in town at the U.N.? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and I believe this is his first visit to New York City since his 1970s affair with Barbara Walters.

it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney

Aired Thursday night on CBS: So here is what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial.
I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy.

Now here’s what I don’t understand about government and politics and stuff like that. Earlier today President Bush asked Congress to O.K. an additional $50 billion for his daughter’s wedding.
This weekend at the Bush family ranch, one of President Bush’s daughters will be getting married. And I thought this was cute. The groom went to President Bush and asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And President Bush said, “Well, it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney.”
Everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom. - Letterman

McCain on Letterman

David Letterman and Senator John McCain traded insults on Tuesday night’s “Late Show.” First, Letterman:

You know who I like is that John McCain … He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. McCain looks like the guy who can’t stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. McCain looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. McCain looks like the guy that’s always got wiry hair growing out of new places. McCain looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash.

Then McCain’s rejoinders:
Hey, Letterman? You think that stuff’s pretty funny, don’t you? Well, you look like a guy whose laptop would be seized by the authorities. You look like a guy caught smuggling reptiles in his pants. You look like the night manager of a creepy motel. And you look like the guy who enjoys getting into a hot tub, and watching his swim trunks inflate

It's hard to hear over the explosions

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: On Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor…of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I’m thinking, this guy didn’t waste any time, did he?

And not a minute too soon. There’s a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question No. 1: Is your spouse a governor?

Vice President Dick Cheney. You know where he is right now? He’s in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said it’s a “successful endeavor.” At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.

"...start dating again!"

Aired Wednesday night on CBS: How about the Democratic debate last night –- how many folks saw the debate in Ohio? Well, you know, Hillary Clinton now is trailing Barack Obama and she’s very desperate. Have you noticed this? She’s starting to get desperate. Today, she accused Barack Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

But people are saying now that Hillary Clinton –- and I’ve noticed this, maybe you’ve noticed this -– has a new personality every day of the campaign. For example, today she’s Madam Lazonga, the carnival mind reader, Madame Lazonga.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign –- can you believe that? And she’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

Nader looks like a postal worker

Here’s some campaign excitement: Ralph Nader is running for President. You know, I’m like you, I think this really could be Ralph’s year.

I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. He looks like a guy you see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-plate states –- out-of-state plates. And Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn’t know whether to retire to start shooting.

A plan for getting out ...

Letterman:
This just in ladies and gentlemen, Barak Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards!

I like that John McCain

Boy oh boy, did you read about John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Did you read about John McCain? Oh, well, according to the New York Times now, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me.

Beautiful blond young woman, and she is now in phase one, the woman is now in phase one of a Washington scandal: denial; phase two, of course, is the book deal; phase three, posing nude for Playboy.

I mean, think about it, John McCain and with a young blond, and this was interesting: out of force of habit, Hillary is standing by him.

I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: “Hello, is that – hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?” He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: “Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello?”

But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they’re not taking this scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn’t involve an airport men’s room.

How about that John McCain?

Letterman:

How about that John McCain, though? What do you think of John McCain? I knew he could count on you. He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn’t he a little bit? He looks like the guy who has to always be told something is on his chin. He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned – you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he’s 72 years young. He looks like the guy who’s bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks like the guy who should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa.

Castro retires

Well, here’s some sad news coming from Havana, ladies and gentlemen: Fidel Castro has resigned. A lot of people thought it was because of his health, but, no, he’s resigning because he wants to spend more time with his beard.
But his retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball.
Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro.

McCain greeting at Walmart?

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Hey, how about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh –- doesn’t he look like the old guy at the barber shop? He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He kind of looks like the neighbor who says, “Oh, that dead tree is on your property,” one of those guys. He’s the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that’s what he looks like. He looks like a mall walker, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb, one of those guys. ~ Letterman

Me too!

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: I have a confession to make, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope this doesn’t case a pall over the proceedings, but for the last 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka.