How to install a home security system in the south

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Dr. Sam's new web site

hey Check out my friend Dr. Sam's new web site .... http://www.drsam.tv/

I hope you will check it out ... Dr. Sam has majorly helped my wife and I and our children over the last few years. He has innovated certain kinesthetic and nuero-linguistic programing techniques that are amazingly effective.

be nice...

be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

If you woke up breathing...

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Everyone seems normal until...

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

What I have learned...

Since I arrived in my mid-fifties, I have acquired a whole new view of life. One of the pearls of wisdom I have learned is this wise saying:

"Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom."

the rules of life...

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Have a bad toothache?

Have a bad toothache?

Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

If you have a bad cough...

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

How to avoid hitting the snooze button

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you fromrolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

How to lower your blood pressure

For high blood pressure sufferers:

simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Avoid cutting yourself

-Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

What to do if you choke on an ice cube

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup ofboiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almostinstantly removed.