They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

A pastoral perspective....

How to drive like a Floridian

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Why we love children ...

POLICE

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number yo u dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Why we love chldren...

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

How To Drive Like A Floridian....

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no- fault insurance the other guy has nothing to lose.

Why we love children

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

How to drive like a Floridian

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

Why do we love children?

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the
sky and said, "Where?" - courtesy of John Padget

How to drive like a Floridian #3

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller your chance of getting hit.

Why do we love children?

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Penny for your thoughts?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

How to drive like a Floridian #2

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

How To Drive Like A Floridian....

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

man on the moon?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

pearls before swine....

Writer Dorothy Parker and U.S. Representative Claire Booth Luce bumped into each other entering a restaurant.

"Age before beauty," Luce sniffed, stepping aside.

"And pearls before swine," answered Parker as she walked past.

Change your friends!

A French citizen approached President Charles de Gaulle and said, "My friends are not content with your policies."

"Well," de Gaulle answered, "change your friends."

Everyone seems normal...

Ain't it the truth?

Even God is not that busy

Suffragist Julia Ward Howe tried to enlist Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner in the case of a person who needed help. "Julia, I've become so busy I can no longer concern myself with individuals," Sumner said. Howe replied, "Even God hasn't reached that stage yet" (Chris Lamb, 2007).

Haunting questions....

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Courtesy of Billy Long

Dr. Sam's new web site

hey Check out my friend Dr. Sam's new web site .... http://www.drsam.tv/

I hope you will check it out ... Dr. Sam has majorly helped my wife and I and our children over the last few years. He has innovated certain kinesthetic and nuero-linguistic programing techniques that are amazingly effective.

Street signs in Sparta

I'm in a '300' kind of mood....I want to kick someone's ass...

why God gave women two hands

Can we end this stupid thing?

LENO: Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Hey, this Sunday is Mother’s Day. Now, if you haven’t gotten your mom a gift yet, can’t go wrong with a gallon of gasoline, huh? It’s a little pricey, but, hey, you only got one mom, you know?

Well, yesterday, Barack Obama soundly beat Hillary Clinton in North Carolina by 14 points. And in Indiana, Hillary Clinton won. So you know what this means? No and neither do I. And I don’t care anymore. I’m fed up, O.K.? I don’t care who wins. Can we end this stupid thing?

it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney

Aired Thursday night on CBS: So here is what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial.
I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy.

Now here’s what I don’t understand about government and politics and stuff like that. Earlier today President Bush asked Congress to O.K. an additional $50 billion for his daughter’s wedding.
This weekend at the Bush family ranch, one of President Bush’s daughters will be getting married. And I thought this was cute. The groom went to President Bush and asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And President Bush said, “Well, it’s O.K. with me, but you got to run it by Cheney.”
Everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom. - Letterman

think before you speak...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

World Religions

This probably explains it all:

I think I'll keep drinking ...

The three stoges ...

A Blue Cheese Moose Burger sounds good!

He's a Pirate

Captain Joe says "Arrrrrgh...where's the rum?"

my brother sent this for my birthday...I'm in the mood to cut somebody's head off... just remember, always pillage before you burn!

Bill is missing

Bill was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, "To make up for your thoughtlessness, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Bill got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It wasn¢t as large as she expected but she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, confident the box probably contained a set of keys.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bill has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

see, men don't really listen...

80,000 people lost jobs last month

Aired Monday night on NBC: France has made contact with those pirates that hijacked a French luxury yacht off the coast of Somalia last week. Did you know about this story? Negotiations are going very slowly. So far, the only thing the pirates have said is “Arrrrgh!”

Well, did you know this week is Explore Your Career Options Week? Especially if you work for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Well, did you hear about this? Hillary Clinton’s senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire.

No, as her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from a virtual shoo-in to second place.

Well, more bad news on the economic front; 80,000 people lost jobs last month. … But to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers, so I don’t know if that actually counts.

why is he running for president?

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Actually, we’re learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour so you can learn about him. I guess his wife, Cindy, is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So, he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go — why is he running for president?

The other night, Barbara Walters had a special called ‘Live to be 150.’ And she showed people who are over 100 years old, leading active lives: jogging, hiking; one guy even running for president in the Republican Party.