witticisms

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake relationships.
4. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
6. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
7. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
9. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.