The three stoges ...

A Blue Cheese Moose Burger sounds good!

He's a Pirate

Captain Joe says "Arrrrrgh...where's the rum?"

my brother sent this for my birthday...I'm in the mood to cut somebody's head off... just remember, always pillage before you burn!

Bill is missing

Bill was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, "To make up for your thoughtlessness, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Bill got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It wasn¢t as large as she expected but she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, confident the box probably contained a set of keys.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bill has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

see, men don't really listen...

80,000 people lost jobs last month

Aired Monday night on NBC: France has made contact with those pirates that hijacked a French luxury yacht off the coast of Somalia last week. Did you know about this story? Negotiations are going very slowly. So far, the only thing the pirates have said is “Arrrrgh!”

Well, did you know this week is Explore Your Career Options Week? Especially if you work for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Well, did you hear about this? Hillary Clinton’s senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire.

No, as her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from a virtual shoo-in to second place.

Well, more bad news on the economic front; 80,000 people lost jobs last month. … But to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers, so I don’t know if that actually counts.

why is he running for president?

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Actually, we’re learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour so you can learn about him. I guess his wife, Cindy, is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So, he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go — why is he running for president?

The other night, Barbara Walters had a special called ‘Live to be 150.’ And she showed people who are over 100 years old, leading active lives: jogging, hiking; one guy even running for president in the Republican Party.

Leno on Obama and McCain

Aired Thursday night on NBC: Speaking of that, today, Barack Obama announced the first thing he would do as president, shut down all the bowling alleys.

And John McCain said he is putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead.

We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight...

LENO, Aired Thursday night on NBC: I am very excited. We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight. Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentlemen! As you know, in Philadelphia the other day, Senator Clinton said she’s a lot like Rocky Balboa from the movie “Rocky.” Is that a good idea? Don’t we already have a president like Rocky? I mean, isn’t eight years of a guy who talks like he’s been hit in the head too many times enough?

And although some people call for her to pull out of the race, Hillary says she will not pull out because she wants everyone’s vote to count. Unless you’re voting for Obama. Then you can ignore that.

McCain on Letterman

David Letterman and Senator John McCain traded insults on Tuesday night’s “Late Show.” First, Letterman:

You know who I like is that John McCain … He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. McCain looks like the guy who can’t stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. McCain looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. McCain looks like the guy that’s always got wiry hair growing out of new places. McCain looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash.

Then McCain’s rejoinders:
Hey, Letterman? You think that stuff’s pretty funny, don’t you? Well, you look like a guy whose laptop would be seized by the authorities. You look like a guy caught smuggling reptiles in his pants. You look like the night manager of a creepy motel. And you look like the guy who enjoys getting into a hot tub, and watching his swim trunks inflate

Then She is like Rambo

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Here’s some good news. In response to the country’s severe economic crisis, President Bush has been working around the clock. He has drafted landmark legislation that will end the recession within a month and bring down the price of gas by 35 percent. April Fools!

No, the rich are still going to be getting richer. Don’t worry about it.
April Fools’, of course, the day when people try to fool their friends and relatives, as opposed to April 15, where you try to fool the IRS. Totally different.
Well, Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character, Rocky. Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn’t Rocky get the crap beat out of him and lose?

Hillary Clinton is just like Rocky, except when she’s in Bosnia; then she’s like Rambo.

Bubba and Earl

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

The passenger, Bubba, said, 'Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!'

Don't worry, Bubba,' Earl said. 'We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?' asked Bubba.

'Just let me do the talkin', OK?,' said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, 'Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?' 'Me and Bubba's on the Patch

Church's fried chicken - Ricky Smiley

Hillary offers McCain the vice presidency.

President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we’ve made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can’t afford to lose any of that!

I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas, over $4 a gallon. Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard about this he said, “You know, I’m more concerned about the price of gasoline here in America.”

A Democratic congressman from Michigan, John Dingell, wants to add an additional 50-cent tax on every gallon of gas. How many think that will reduce the demand for gas? How many think it would reduce our demand for morons in Congress?

And today, John McCain was in England, where he visited his birthplace, Stonehenge.
According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency.

Court bloopers

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Time goes fast when you are having fun...

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

It's hard to hear over the explosions

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: On Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor…of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I’m thinking, this guy didn’t waste any time, did he?

And not a minute too soon. There’s a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question No. 1: Is your spouse a governor?

Vice President Dick Cheney. You know where he is right now? He’s in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said it’s a “successful endeavor.” At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.

Deporting 280,000 illegal aliens ... again

“There’s some hope, though. According to the San Gabriel Tribune, because of the high price of crude, drilling for oil in LA is profitable. Once again, Los Angeles could see oil wells popping up all over the place. A lot of people say the oil wells would be an eyesore. But, they say not to worry because they’re going to disguise them as cell phone towers.

No, they say Los Angeles could become a major oil-producing region, just like the Middle East. Only, of course, more violent.

And the Department of Homeland Security deported 280,000 illegal immigrants last year. And listen to this. They’re getting tough. They’re threatening to deport them again this year.

Falling asleep in church

Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his longtime minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge for our sins. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Pat Robertson. That’s the other side’s nutball minister.

No, Barack Obama admitted he wasn’t aware of some of the more radical rhetoric because, like most Americans, he falls asleep in church.

Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? Al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he’s in Iraq?

And speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war, and do you remember when critics were saying, “Oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap”? Oh, that worked out well, didn’t it?

Now we’re the ones with shock and awe.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

AL GORE :

I invented the chicken!

Court bloopers

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

Sheriff: Woman sat on toilet for 2 years

By ROXANA HEGEMAN, Associated Press Writer

WICHITA, Kan. - Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Read the original article

Court bloopers

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLONEL SANDERS :

Did I miss one?

What is your goal?

My wife Deb had a chemo treatment today. As we were talking tonight, she mentioned that she had lost 4 pounds in January.
(Note: I have been on Jenny Craig for 2 years and I have gained 2 pounds)
I told her “I’m jealous.”
She said, “You don’t want to lose it this way.”
I said, “No, you are probably right. What is your goal” (referring to weight loss).
She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “stayin alive!”
We both had a good laugh.

a Southern Baptist bra

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for mywife, size 34B.'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kindof bra?' He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?'

The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.' He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?' 'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.'

-- courtesy of S.H.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

ALBERT EINSTEIN :

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

A dog walks into a bar ...

...and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be five dollars."
A little later, making conversation, the bartender says, "We don't get many dogs in here."
The dog replies, "At these prices...I'm not surprised."

Court bloopers

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Court bloopers

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

meetings

here you go... I just LOVE meetings! I just can't wait until the next one...

A dog walks into a bar

A dog walks into a bar, jumps onto a bar stool and says to the bartender,

"Hey today is my birthday, do I get a free drink?"

The bartender replies "sure, the toilet is around the corner."

new battery

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'

He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

- courtesy of C.W.

Smart dog!

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "Thats the smartest dog I've every seen."

"Oh, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Dog Jokes

A Dog walks into the bar, "How are you doing?" asks the bartender.

"Ruff," the dog answers

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sanders:

"I don't care, I just want to know if it has got any milk?"

Eddie Izzard - Do you have a flag?

Don't' honk at old people!

someday, if you are lucky, you might get to be one! Click twice below to view the video...