IDIOT SIGHTINGS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."


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dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Government Health Warning

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING GUM!

Need help?

Saw a billboard that said,

"Need help, call Jesus."
1-800-005-3787

...Out of curiosity I did.

'A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.'

Who is your favorite stand-up comedian?

My wife and I watched Robin Williams in "Live on Broadway" the other day and despite some of the vulgarity, we laughed our heads off. He is a comic genius...but my all-time favorite is still Bill Cosby's "Turning 49."

who is your favorite comedian?

Clem, the pipe and the mule -- a mouthful!

A farmer was plowing his field with his mule. Most of the day, the mule plowed straight furrows, but toward the end of the day, the mule began to plow erratically. The farmer stopped and went around and noticed that the mules eyes were crossed. The farmer called his helper, Clem, and said, “Clem, run up to the house and call the vet.”

The vet arrived within the hour and looked at the mule. He said, “I see what the problem is…do you have a length of pipe?” The farmer said, “Clem, run up to the barn and get that 3 foot length of pipe and bring it here.”

Clem brought the pipe and handed it to the vet. The vet took the pipe and stuffed it into the rear end of the mule and began to puff on it. As he blew into the pipe, the mule’s eyes began to slowly straighten out. Finally, the vet said, “there you are, that will be $100.” The farmer paid him and the vet left.

The farmer went back to plowing. At first the mule plowed straight furrows. After about an hour though, the furrows began getting erratic again. The farmer went around and saw that the mule’s eyes were crossed again. This time the farmer said, “I ain’t payin no vetenenarian $100 to do what I can do just as well. Clem! Run back up there and fetch me that there pipe!”

Clem brought him the pipe and the famer stuck it into the mule’s rear again, and began to blow on the pipe… but as hard has he blew, he could not quite get the mule’s eyes straight out again. Finally he said, “Clem, I’m out of breath, try puffin on this here pipe for a while.” Clem started to blow on the end of the pipe, and looked at the farmer, and then pulled out the pipe and turned it around and stuck it in the other end and started to blow on it. The farmer said, “Clem, what the heck are you doin?” Clem said, “I ain’t a going to put my lips where you have had your mouth!”

Double Your Money

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Cowboy Wisdom

No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on.

A drunk in a cemetery

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the
one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said,
"No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

Tequila Christmas Cake

Tequila Christmas Cake:

1 cup water
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several?times
To check the quality)

Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the dog.

CHERRY MISTMAS!??

You must be in management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Bertha and Harvey

Bertha and Harvey always went to church together. But this particular Sunday Bertha was a little "under the weather" and so she stayed home. Harvey went on alone. Bertha began to worry when Harvey had not returned from church at the expected time. Then around 4:00 PM she heard a scratching at the door. She opened it, and there stood Harvey with his right arm in a cast, his left arm in a sling, his eyes swollen shut, black and blue. His shirt was ripped almost off of his body. He had knots on his head, and bruises and contusions all over his body.
Bertha cried out, "My goodness, Harvy! What happened to you?"
Harvey said, "Do you remember last week at church when we sat behind sister Anabell, the church fat lady? Do you remember when we stood up to sing hymn no 139, do your remember how the back of her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt? Do you remember how bro Elmer reached over there and pulled it out? Do you remember how she beat the living tar out of him when he did that? Well, today I sat behind siter Anabell again, and when we stood up to sing the hymn, sure enough, her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt again, and bro Hubert reached over there and pulled it out. Well, I remember how she beat the living daylights out of bro Elmer for doing that. So I just reached over and put it back!

clean, white, unsalted peanuts

Pastor Boonelevel visited Sister Beulah. She was about 85 or 90 years old and was unable to get to church except on rare occasions. He sat on the sofa in front of the coffee table on which sat a bowl of beautiful, clean, white, unsalted peanuts. They were tempting but he did not bother them. Sister Beulah interrupted the conversattion to go to the bathroom. She was in there a long time because she had forgotten to take her metamucil the night before. So as Bro Boonelevel waited for her, he began to eat from the bowl of peanuts. After a while he had eaten every peanut in the bowl. He apologized to Sister Beulah when she returned to her seat. "I am sorry, but I have eaten all your peanuts." She replied, "Oh, thaths okay. Sinth, I losth my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

move it!

I have run out of joke lately...anyone got anything good to send me?

What couldn't the pirate watch the movie?

because it was rated "arrgh"

- courtesy of Carlos Morgado

liked it? ok, here's another one:

Where does the pirate keep his gym clothes?

In Davey Jones' locker

- courtesy of Aaron Morgado

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get
so-o-o stressed, and then in the middle of it life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car,looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you, then?" and that's when the fight started.

He should see the back of mine!

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -

'SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

A really bad day: If the lions don't get you the Crocodile will

Have you ever felt torn between competing pressures? Check out this water buffalo calf...but don't worry, the posse is on the way (or in this case, the herd)



This is when you appreciate the home boyz ...

Summer Breeze

Billy Long is here staying with us this month in Miami. AS i walked him tonight, I inadvertently cracked a loud fart ... Billy, without batting an eye, immediately launched into a lovely version of "Summer breeze, makes me feel fine ... enjoy...

Incredible football play!

Every morning in Africa

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
it doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.

Let's boogie baby!

my life is going to the birds....

U2 concert

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

-- courtesy of the counselor

What Sex is Your Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, ismasculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers isincomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory forpossible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendinghalf your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time theyARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited alittle longer, you could have gotten a better model.

You stay out of this! I'm talkin to that little dummy...

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Zealand.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting...

..."I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee

Shit Creek

Ever been to this store?



I seem to spent a lot of time there....

What to do when you miss the funeral

"Whose funeral did you have in there last Saturday?"

hILARIOUS Audio file of an old lady calling the funeral home

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN.

About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

The Death of Tom Mabe

In this audio file, Tom Mabe turns the tables on a telemarketer, and freaks him out with a murder investigation, hilarious!
check out it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

- courtesy of Dr. Sam Lopez

Best short joke of the year

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

= Courtesy of Jane Biggs

Theory in Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

An Alabama couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

- courtesy of Jim Bulkley

Are you going to San Diego?...

(courtesy of Debbie Holbrook)
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Um homem caminha pela praia...

Um homem caminha despreocupadamente pela praia, quando encontra uma daqueles famosas lâmpadas mágicas. Sabendo muito bem o que deveria fazer, esfrega com firmeza a lâmpada e dela logo sai um gênio.

Gênio: Eu, hein! Você me libertou da lâmpada. Esta é a quarta vez neste més e não agüento mais estes pedidos idiotas. Então, pode esquecer a história dos três desejos. Você tem direito a apenas um. E olhe lá!

Homem: Sempre quis ir ao Hawai, mas tenho medo de voar e costumo ficar enjoado. Quero que construa uma ponte até la para eu ir dirigindo.

Gênio: isto é impossível. Pense na logística do assunto. Como as colunas alcançariam o fundo do oceano? Quanto concreto? Quanto aço? Não dá! Pense em outro desejo.

Homem: Fui casado e me divociei quatro vezes. Minhas esposas sempre disseram que eu não me importava com elas e que sou insensível. Então, desejo entender as mulheres.

Gênio: Você quer a droga da ponte com duas ou quatro pistas?

(translation below)

The Genie in the bottle...

There was a guy walking along the beach, and he tripped over an old looking lamp. He picked it up and rubbed. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, I am tired of stupid wishes, I will only give you one wish!"

The suprised man said, " OK, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.

if it don´t seem like its worth the effort, it probably ain´t.

never smack a man who´s chewin´tobacco.

Que vengan toros...

hubo un viejo pero muy querido missionario una vez, quien no hablaba muy bien el idioma castillana. Una vez el estaba en un servicio y se dio cuenta que habia muchos hombres mirando para dentro en la puerta. La iglesia solamente tenia unas pocas mujeres en las primeras bancas.

El hombre se inspiró and invito a los hombres que entraram. Pero no pudo pronuciar muy bien las palabras. El misionario quiso decir, "Que vengan todos, aqui hay bancas vaicas", pero al fin dijo por error, "Que vengan toros, aqui hay vacas vacias!" Muchos hombres se interesaron en su iglesia despues de eso.

be nice...

be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

If you woke up breathing...

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.