Tequila Christmas Cake

Tequila Christmas Cake:

1 cup water
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several?times
To check the quality)

Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the dog.

CHERRY MISTMAS!??

You must be in management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Bertha and Harvey

Bertha and Harvey always went to church together. But this particular Sunday Bertha was a little "under the weather" and so she stayed home. Harvey went on alone. Bertha began to worry when Harvey had not returned from church at the expected time. Then around 4:00 PM she heard a scratching at the door. She opened it, and there stood Harvey with his right arm in a cast, his left arm in a sling, his eyes swollen shut, black and blue. His shirt was ripped almost off of his body. He had knots on his head, and bruises and contusions all over his body.
Bertha cried out, "My goodness, Harvy! What happened to you?"
Harvey said, "Do you remember last week at church when we sat behind sister Anabell, the church fat lady? Do you remember when we stood up to sing hymn no 139, do your remember how the back of her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt? Do you remember how bro Elmer reached over there and pulled it out? Do you remember how she beat the living tar out of him when he did that? Well, today I sat behind siter Anabell again, and when we stood up to sing the hymn, sure enough, her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt again, and bro Hubert reached over there and pulled it out. Well, I remember how she beat the living daylights out of bro Elmer for doing that. So I just reached over and put it back!

clean, white, unsalted peanuts

Pastor Boonelevel visited Sister Beulah. She was about 85 or 90 years old and was unable to get to church except on rare occasions. He sat on the sofa in front of the coffee table on which sat a bowl of beautiful, clean, white, unsalted peanuts. They were tempting but he did not bother them. Sister Beulah interrupted the conversattion to go to the bathroom. She was in there a long time because she had forgotten to take her metamucil the night before. So as Bro Boonelevel waited for her, he began to eat from the bowl of peanuts. After a while he had eaten every peanut in the bowl. He apologized to Sister Beulah when she returned to her seat. "I am sorry, but I have eaten all your peanuts." She replied, "Oh, thaths okay. Sinth, I losth my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

move it!

I have run out of joke lately...anyone got anything good to send me?

What couldn't the pirate watch the movie?

because it was rated "arrgh"

- courtesy of Carlos Morgado

liked it? ok, here's another one:

Where does the pirate keep his gym clothes?

In Davey Jones' locker

- courtesy of Aaron Morgado

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get
so-o-o stressed, and then in the middle of it life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car,looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you, then?" and that's when the fight started.

He should see the back of mine!

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -

'SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

A really bad day: If the lions don't get you the Crocodile will

Have you ever felt torn between competing pressures? Check out this water buffalo calf...but don't worry, the posse is on the way (or in this case, the herd)



This is when you appreciate the home boyz ...

Summer Breeze

Billy Long is here staying with us this month in Miami. AS i walked him tonight, I inadvertently cracked a loud fart ... Billy, without batting an eye, immediately launched into a lovely version of "Summer breeze, makes me feel fine ... enjoy...

Incredible football play!

Every morning in Africa

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
it doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.

Let's boogie baby!

my life is going to the birds....

U2 concert

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

-- courtesy of the counselor

What Sex is Your Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, ismasculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers isincomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory forpossible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendinghalf your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time theyARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited alittle longer, you could have gotten a better model.

You stay out of this! I'm talkin to that little dummy...

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Zealand.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting...

..."I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee

Shit Creek

Ever been to this store?



I seem to spent a lot of time there....

What to do when you miss the funeral

"Whose funeral did you have in there last Saturday?"

hILARIOUS Audio file of an old lady calling the funeral home

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN.

About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

The Death of Tom Mabe

In this audio file, Tom Mabe turns the tables on a telemarketer, and freaks him out with a murder investigation, hilarious!
check out it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

- courtesy of Dr. Sam Lopez

Best short joke of the year

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

= Courtesy of Jane Biggs

Theory in Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

An Alabama couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

- courtesy of Jim Bulkley

Are you going to San Diego?...

(courtesy of Debbie Holbrook)
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Um homem caminha pela praia...

Um homem caminha despreocupadamente pela praia, quando encontra uma daqueles famosas lâmpadas mágicas. Sabendo muito bem o que deveria fazer, esfrega com firmeza a lâmpada e dela logo sai um gênio.

Gênio: Eu, hein! Você me libertou da lâmpada. Esta é a quarta vez neste més e não agüento mais estes pedidos idiotas. Então, pode esquecer a história dos três desejos. Você tem direito a apenas um. E olhe lá!

Homem: Sempre quis ir ao Hawai, mas tenho medo de voar e costumo ficar enjoado. Quero que construa uma ponte até la para eu ir dirigindo.

Gênio: isto é impossível. Pense na logística do assunto. Como as colunas alcançariam o fundo do oceano? Quanto concreto? Quanto aço? Não dá! Pense em outro desejo.

Homem: Fui casado e me divociei quatro vezes. Minhas esposas sempre disseram que eu não me importava com elas e que sou insensível. Então, desejo entender as mulheres.

Gênio: Você quer a droga da ponte com duas ou quatro pistas?

(translation below)

The Genie in the bottle...

There was a guy walking along the beach, and he tripped over an old looking lamp. He picked it up and rubbed. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, I am tired of stupid wishes, I will only give you one wish!"

The suprised man said, " OK, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.

if it don´t seem like its worth the effort, it probably ain´t.

never smack a man who´s chewin´tobacco.

Que vengan toros...

hubo un viejo pero muy querido missionario una vez, quien no hablaba muy bien el idioma castillana. Una vez el estaba en un servicio y se dio cuenta que habia muchos hombres mirando para dentro en la puerta. La iglesia solamente tenia unas pocas mujeres en las primeras bancas.

El hombre se inspiró and invito a los hombres que entraram. Pero no pudo pronuciar muy bien las palabras. El misionario quiso decir, "Que vengan todos, aqui hay bancas vaicas", pero al fin dijo por error, "Que vengan toros, aqui hay vacas vacias!" Muchos hombres se interesaron en su iglesia despues de eso.

be nice...

be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

If you woke up breathing...

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Two priests and a rabbi ...

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

Everyone seems normal until...

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

theories about women...

There´s two theories about arguin´ with a woman, neither one works.

What I have learned...

Since I arrived in my mid-fifties, I have acquired a whole new view of life. One of the pearls of wisdom I have learned is this wise saying:

"Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom."

the rules of life...

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Boonelevel's Flat Top haircut

Throughout elementary school and into junior high, LeRoy kept his hair cut in a crew-cut or butch. It was shaved very short to his head. This was the style for many of the boys of his age, and for the average boy it attracted relatively little attention. But LeRoy had a pointed head. The top of his head was not flat like most people. There was a ridge that ran down the middle of the top of his head. He would never have known it except that some girl on the way to school felt compelled to announce it to everyone. The girl's comment was no big deal to LeRoy. He ignored it because he tried not to care and mostly because he couldn't quite figure out what she meant by it. It was a change in hair styles during the following year that enlightened him.

All of the boys, as kids usually do, went with the latest trend. That year it was the flat-top. In this style the hair on top of the head is cut to a length of about one-quarter to three-quarters of an inch and with the help of some sort of wax was made to stand straight up. In this manner the head resembled a field in which all the crops were standing upright, stiff, and completely uniform with the bristled ends forming a flat plane across the top of the head. This worked fine for the average boy whose head was relatively flat on top, but LeRoy's pointed head complicated his "flat-top". Since the top of his head formed a ridge down the center of the top of his head, the hair on the sides of the top of his head was almost an inch long, becoming progessively shorter toward the center until he was completely bald along the center peak . It had to be cut bald in the center in order to be level with the hair on the outer edges of the top of his head. It was a lake of hair with a narrow island of bald head sticking up and running down the middle.

LeRoy was one of those people that nature simply did not equip physically nor mentally with the means nor desire to keep up with the latest style whatever it might be. Life's procession of "bandwagons" carrying the latest trends rarely made it into his world of limited experience; and when they did, he usually just watched them pass. He did not feel deprived. To the contrary, he stood by in his own inner contentment and satisfaction bordering on pride and waved good riddance to the passing conveyences of fashion and fad. LeRoy did not "miss the boat," he "drove his own wagon." He was a trend-setter for his world. When the other boys saw his bald spot, they all wanted one. Consequently, a number of boys shaved down the center of their own flat-tops. The difference was that their heads as a general rule were relatively flat on top. While LeRoy's bald spot stood out as a peak, that of the other boys, being forced unnaturally onto a level head, lay as a valley between taller rows of hair.

LeRoy did not follow the crowd, but he was glad for them to follow him. When it came to fashion and the latest trends LeRoy Boonelevel's motto was Exodus 23: 2: "You shall not follow a crowd to do evil." It's amazing that a man can be so level-headed in spiritual things while having such a pointed head in the natural.

hope for the future...

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.”
~Bill Cosby

A thief in Paris...

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such A crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

'Monsieur, That is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.'

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle To send this on to someone else--well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse)

Pleasing people...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

members of Congress

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

Sharks and lawyers

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

a blonde's eyes...

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear...

How do you know....?

How do you know if your a red neck?You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Good whiskey...

Never follow good whiskey with water unless you're out of good wiskey.

Men are like fine wine...

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Have a bad toothache?

Have a bad toothache?

Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Angry Aceh residents disable tsunami warning system

BANDA ACEH, Indonesia (Reuters) - Angry residents in Indonesia's Aceh have disabled a tsunami warning system after a false alarm spread panic in a province still traumatized by the deadly 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, an official said Thursday.

Residents cut power to a siren on a tsunami warning tower in the Lhoknga area near the provincial capital Banda Aceh by smashing an electricity box, Syahnan Sobri, the head of the meteorology and geophysics agency in Aceh said.

A technical glitch prompted the siren to ring for about 30 minutes in Aceh Besar district Monday, sending residents rushing out of their homes in panic

Click here to read original article

If you have a bad cough...

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Wheelchair user taken on wild 50-mph ride

Click here to read the original news article

Chair becomes lodged on semitrailer's grille, travels 4 miles on highway



PAW PAW, Mich. - A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said.

The 21-year-old man, whose name was not released, was unharmed but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He had been secured to his wheelchair by a seat belt.

“The man spilled his soda pop, but he wasn’t upset,” said Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police.

Cowboy Wisdom

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

How to avoid hitting the snooze button

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you fromrolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Two Redneck’s went on Vacation

As they drove through Lusiana and approached the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

At the lunch counter, one redneck asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin...

(this one is dedicated to my good friend Dennis Coll, a true Irishman and a lover of all things Celtic)

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me... I've quit drinking!"

How to lower your blood pressure

For high blood pressure sufferers:

simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Moses, Jesus and an old Man on the golf course

Moses, Jesus and an old fellow with long white hair and beard went out to play golf. Moses teed off and hit the ball into the lake. He walked down to the lake, stretched out his gold club, parted the water, walked over to the golf ball and chipped up onto the green where it rolled up to within a foot of the hole.

Jesus walked up, teed off, and also hit the ball into the lake. He calmly walked down to the lake, walked on the water to the middle of the lake, reached his golf club down into the water and easily chipped his ball up onto the green where it rolled up next to Moses’ ball.

The white-haired man walked up to the tee, hit the ball, it sailed up into the sky past the green, bounced off of a sign, back into the lake, fell on a lily pad, was picked in the mouth of a frog. A hawk swept down from the sky and snatched up the frog with the ball in his mouth, and fly up into the sky, over the green, and as the Hawk squeezed the frog, the frog dropped the ball, which fell several hundred feet into a perfect hole in one.

Moses looked at Jesus and said “I hate playing golf with your dad!”

- Courtesy of Dan Todd.

The Difference Between a Republican & a Democrat

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to ahomeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person hisbusiness card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave himdirections to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocketand got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave thehomeless person $5.

NOW do you understand the difference?

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

Florida immigration poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa"

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

If you are going to shoot, DON'T MISS

Don't Miss - The best home videos are here

NUNS AND BEER

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other Nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

- curtesy of Jim Bulkley

Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

- by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

Cowboy Wisdom

"Don't Squat with Yer Spurs On" - Texas Bix Bender.

NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kinya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Avoid cutting yourself

-Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Churchill on Martyrdom

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. -Churchill

Marx: A Wonderful Evening

-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx

Big Gun

Big Gun 2 - Watch the best video clips here

What to do if you choke on an ice cube

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup ofboiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almostinstantly removed.

Mark Twain on funerals

-I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) on Pets

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Why can't women fart?

This is from my daughter Sarah:

You know why men pass more gas then women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.

Sarah

You know what kills me?

My wife's favorite joke lately is a true story about a lady in her 40s named Marty who has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "you know what kills me...?"

Smiling, her husband teased, "Apparently nothing."

Gender Dictionary

I will tell a joke I saw once in the Sunday cartoons in the newspaper. I think the name of the cartoon was "sally" or something like that.

A man tells his wife that he is going out to the store. She looks at him thoughtfully and holds out her car keys and says, "you can use my car, if you like." He gets an anxious puzzled look on his face, and runs into the next room and takes a "gender" dictionary off the shelf and looks up the phrase. The male translation is: "Take my car and fill it up with gas." He comes back smiling, takes her keys and she is happy. She feels loved, cared-for and understood.

For a discussion on this topic of gender communications, go to www.friendsforthejourney.com.

One Liners.....

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.



Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.



When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.